WHILE YOU WERE VOTING

Last week’s election was the culmination of a long slog through all the political rhetoric (read bullshit) and the arguments back and forth amongst friends of the opposite political persuasions…though there was no persuading the fools who disagreed with you to change your minds.

But so much attention was being paid to the debates and the talking heads and tracking the vote count itself that many of us probably fell behind in keeping up with an even more important pursuit…watching TV reality shows.

Rest assured my eight DVR’s were put to good use and since about 11:15 p.m. EST last Tuesday I have spent 24 or more hours each day catching up. I was able to do this since some shows are set in New York and others are strewn across the time zone landscape, so there are more than 24 hours available for viewing. Trust me. I read a chapter in a physics textbook in 1963.

So here is a summary of the developments in some of your favorite programs you may have missed.

The Kardashians  They pop up in a variety of incarnations but the entire focus in this period was on their boobs and asses. And that is just the sister’s husbands and boyfriends.

Jersey Shore     Due to the devastation caused by Hurricane Sandy the title has been changed to Monongahela Riverbank.

Hardcore Pawn   Les Gold’s idiot son and daughter finally exasperated him enough that when a customer came in with an antique guillotine to sell, Les had it demonstrated by chopping off the heads of both Seth and Ashley.

American Restoration   It is a Wednesday program so last week’s episode the day after the election had Karl Rove driving into the shop asking to have his reputation for winning campaigns restored. It was the first project Rick Dale had ever turned down as being impossible.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta   One of the women was dismissed from the series when it was discovered she had never undergone plastic surgery, her hair was all her own AND the original color, and she was observed NOT talking about the other wives behind their backs.

Till Debt Us Do Part   The featured couple was fired after it was learned that they were neither married to each other nor personally deeply in debt. Rather they were two Congressional aides trying to accumulate information on how to balance a budget to use in the upcoming fiscal cliff negotiations.

Investigation Discovery’s Sins and Secrets  That real crime anthology series presented a taped interrorgation of Mitt Romney in which he confessed that his whole campaign was based on lies.

Pawn Stars   Chumlee secretly partnered with Bain Capital for a hostile takeover of Gold and Silver Pawn and fired The Old Man, Rick, and Big Hoss.

Tosh.0   An audience member turned out to have been the pained victim shown in one of the program’s videos and he jumped onstage and viciously swung a baseball bat right into Daniel Tosh’s crotch while yelling, “Now laugh at that, asshole.”

Animal Cops   A Persian cat suspected of being a serial killer is finally captured and is charged with and put on trial for the sadistic murders of eight mice, two rabbits and a canary.

Long Island Medium   Theresa, the featured psychic, revealed she had been on a diet/workout regimen that led the show to be retitled Long Island Petite.

Dancing With The Stars   After a survey revealed that absolutely no one had heard of any of the contestants and therefore they could not possible be stars, the competition was cancelled.

Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives  While eating the triple decker bacon and peanut butter cheeseburger at Earl’s Greasy Spoon in Shippensburg, Pa. host Guy Fieri dropped dead from a massive heart attack.

Repo Games   One of the behemoth repo men repoed a Mini Cooper by driving away in it but had to call upon EMT’s with the jaws of life to remove him back at the garage.

American Pickers   Mike and Frank are on a freestyle pick near Provo, Utah when the woman who had told them she had many oil cans and Amoco signs locked them in her barn and chained them up to make sex slaves out of them. Her name was Bertha Butt, one of the Butt sisters.

Pimp My Ride    A street hooker brings in her Chevy van for the full treatment including the installation of a “sex room” in the rear where she can, as she put it, “Ride My Pimp”.

This should bring you up to date.

No need to thank me.

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