For the past severl years there has been a huge outcry about the federal government’s war on coal. More precisely that cry began at 12:01 p.m. January 20, 2009. In searching for images to post the one I chose is one of the few that would not be criticized as NSFW.
The rhetoric charging this has been noticeably more vitriolic and sensational here in West Virgina though even representatives of the coal industry have occiasionally let slip that other factors are more responsible for any decline in coal demand and production than anything emanating from D.C.
But I’m not here to argue that issue. What I am doing is offering a way to boost the demand for West Virginia coal, however temporarily, so that our state’s miners can be assured of an income filled Christmas season.
A great Christmas tradition is to warn little children that they will receive a lump of coal in their stockings if they have been naughty, instead of the goodies all the angelic little kiddies receive.
Let us instead deliver lumps of coal to the truly terrible children around the world who are invariably disguised as adults. I’ll give you some examples as to how this will work.
Hillary Clinton——Not necessarily her sole flaw but a lot of people consider her to be far too cozy with Wall Street bankers and the like. So to her we deliver a 500 pound bag of coal lumps, to be shared with the banker friends, likely to be used to fuel document burning fires.
Mike Huckabee——One lump of coal for each of his utterances that have belied his self–proclaimed Christianity. That could keep a dozen miners busy for weeks.
Walmart——A lump of coal for each underpaid employee or one who has been forced to work on Thanksgiving away from their family. The problem here is that Walmart will probably buy the coal more cheaply from China.
David A. Bowers——He’s the mayor of Roanoke, Virginia who issued a statement which has been interpreted by some as suggesting any Syrian refugees be held in detention camps such as were employed on our own Japanese-American citizens during World War II. He later walked that statement back, though this whole thing is so muddled that he may have simply called for the internment of Syrian refugees together with Japanese-Americans and members of the mainstream media who reported his original gaffe. I’d just as soon forget him but to Bowers for Christmas goes one 2 pound lump of coal which he can utilize to call meetings to order by hitting it with his gavel.
Vladimir Putin——Invader of Ukraine and idol of FOX News and fitness fanatics alike, will receive two large lumps of coal fashioned into ten pound dumbells which he can carry while riding his horse or used as handicaps to challenge him in his other physical activities (which challenge will undoubtedly be met. He is Vladimir Putin after all) And all this while displaying his wonderful pecs.
ISIS——Well known murderers, rapists, beheaders, and internet trollers deserving of the largest load of coal at all. The lumps they recieve will not be measured in pounds or tons but, as much as I abhor mountaintop mining, it may take the removal of one mountaintop chock full of coal to be delivered to ISIS…not in lumps but in one mass dropped from above.
Donald Trump——Where do I start? Does he merit a lump for each racist, xenophobic, misogynistic declaration? One for each unnamed source, the experts or producers of dubious or outright false claims he has made or advisers he has consulted? No, better to deliver lumps equal to the number of folks who have stated they will vote for him, each of whom deserves their own bituminous filled stocking. But we will use those lumps to replace the sand in the bunkers on his golf courses—one lump per each grain. Anything remaining will be shipped to the Board Room in Trump Tower. Thenre if he declares “You’re fired!” the coal will begin burning.
Bernie Sanders——Feeling the Bern won’t mean feeling the burn from coal. Sanders is no saint, yet his proposals for the country are spot on and achievable given the will to implement them So to Bernie goes a one ton pile of coal, but one that will be kept under pressure to change it into diamonds—with the assist of Superman, naturally. Once that occurs I’m betting we can trust Bernie to spread the wealth wherever needed.
Children——Are you kidding me? Kids have done nothing to be treated with lumps of coal. What they need and deserve in their stockings, even if they’ve never heard of Santa or Christmas, is to receive assurances they wil have food and shelter and most of all love so that they will not grow up becoming eligible for lumps of coal.