Category Archives: 2016 Presidential campaign




Earlier today I blew up on Facebook. I called friends who generally share my views stupid and those who don’t stupider. Much of my heartfelt enmity is the result of the rise of Drumpf.

Why do I refer to him as Drumpf? You can thank John Oliver for that.

Immediately after my viewing of this episode I downloaded the Chrome extension that converts Drumpf to Drumpf (I have found I can’t even type the actual name here without it undergoing the transformation) on stories in my browser. It is one small consolation to see this at work in the headlines and stories I see on Slate, Huffington Post, Rolling Stone, and elsewhere, even on sites that lean farther right.

I deplore the lowlghts from all the 2016 campaigns. Our Presidential  electoral process is in the gutter, dragged there by Drumpf who has been joyfully joined there by Marco Rubio  who questions the size of Drumpf’s penis; by Ted Cruz simply being Ted Cruz; by Jeb Bush forced to defend charges of being a mommy’s boy; by Ben Carson, who fell in while sleep walking; by John Kasich, who destroyed any possible claims of being a moderate by defunding Planned Parenthood; and by the millions of presumably sentient human beings who listen to all the crazy talk about immigrants and an out of control government who couldn’t pass a U.S. citizenship/civics test if it were an open book exam and the original Declaration of  Independence and Constitution were splayed in front of them.

Holding them hostage there are David Duke and the Ku Klux Klan and other white supremicist groups armed to the teeth courtesy of the National Rifle Association, crazed Evangelicals who believe Drumpf somehow possesses better Christian bona fides than the Pope when The Donald is probably more likely to provide a quote from a Smokey Stover comic book than from II Corinthians when asked about his favorite Bible passage.

Let us not forget the Secret Srvice which somehow has improved its training to the point that a reporter who wanders 10 inches outside the designated journalist area at a Drumpf rally is strong armed when only a few months ago intruders inside the White House grounds stole President Obama‘s favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe before being hustled to the requisite nearby mental hospital for observation.

Oh I’m not forgetting the Democrats. Their participation is in somewhat shallower waters near the curb cutouts that allow wheelchair crossing rather than in the middle of the block, but where the H2O is equally putrid. This time it is not so much the candidates themselves…Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton …hurling invectives at each other so much as it is the so-called BernieBros who have been accused of ugly misogynistic characterizations of the other camp while feminist icons Like Gloria Steinem, though using politer language, are equally sexist in how they portray young female Sanders enthusiasts.

And from these nominal Progressives come the enabling threats to withold their vote from the nominee should he or she not be the one they love to death at this moment. Enabling threats because by doing so they will practically guarantee that our next President will have a bulbous red nose, bizarre multi-colored makeup, a fright wig,  and will be making nonsense noises as he struts around the circus ring. Of course all but Drumpf will need to be fitted for this outfit.

Accompanying this flotsam down the gutter where it will eventually empty into the stream that will make the water supply of Flint, Michigan seem utterly pristine by comparison are various pundits, analysts, economic gurus, and the like offering opinions that may be parsley, rosemary, or thyme, but most certainly not sage.

Perhaps the only good that is coming from this is Spotlight. No, not the latest Oscar winning film but the harsh relentless glare focused on the entire Presidential nominating process that places premiums on a candidacy that begins within weeks after the prior election and is fueled by endless speculation, pollmongering profiteers, the need to fill cable TV news with anything but substance, and the proliferation of web sites whose sole purpose is to promulgate lies, denigrate anyone with opinions different from theirs, and disregard anything remotely likely to benefit the America they all profess to love but which they incessantly subject to virtual domestic violence while declaring their fealty between bruising blows.

Super Tuesday is an agglomeration of primaries in states and American Samoa which would be significant just for the sheer numbers of opportunities for voters to express their choices were it not for the media telling us that the issues have been decided by the primaries/caucuses already consigned to history in Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, and South Carolina and whch have a combined poulation dwarfed by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania whose own 2016 primary is not until April 26, a date by which the names of many former candidates will be not even a memory and which may represent only the merest possibility of ultimate success to the horses (asses) still in the race.

All this makes the Swiftboating of John Kerry in 2004 look more like the highest level of forensic debate by comparison.

Oh, hell. I’ll admit it. I, too have awkwardly stepped off the curb and fallen into the slime. But the murky waters are deep and I really can’t swim so I am about to drown in this torrent I am now a part of.

In splashing around for survival I might occasionally send splurges of nastiness into the open mouths of others, but they were there first voluntarily.




I continually react in disgust to the fearmongering generated by Donald Trump, Ben Carson, and Ted Cruz in the agglomeration of news of ISIS  and Syrian refugees and Mexican immigrants and government assisted health care, or anything government assisted, and taxes and any other phenomenon they paint as an existential threat to the United States

There are many other guilty parties and not all are Republicans but this is my blog and I can pick on whomever I want.

None of those are threats…at least not in the way they are characterized.

Then we have the gun nuts, already armed to the teeth, rushing to acquire more firepower after the Paris attacks or any event they believe requires an armed response, even if the “threat” comes from people who are decidedly unarmed or thousands of miles away.

That has provoked in my mind the ear worm of the song from Fiddler On The Roof called Matchmaker Matchmaker. You can view a delightful version below. 

But my ear worm, while employing the instrumental part, has lyrics that are quite different.

And imagine the three pictured above as singing.

Fearmonger, Fearmonger
Make me a fear
Find me a villain
To attack this year
Fearmonger, Fearmonger
Look through your book
And find me a perfect fear

Fearmonger Fearmonger
I’ll bring the lies
You give me the name
Of whom to despise
Preferably brown
Bring me a cause for I’m longing to put
An innocent person down

For Carson
Make him like Darwin

For Ted Cruz
Make him want more taxing

For Trump well
He will not holler
If he were a loser at everything

Fearmonger, Fearmonger
Make me a fear
Find me a threat
Soon to appear
Night after night in the dark I’m alone
So find me a fear
Of my own

(Much dialogue between the three)

Fearmonger, Fearmonger
I have no brains
I’ve never learned
That playing with fears
Can get U.S. burned
Bring me a fear
Let me preach doom
If you don’t find
A threat this year
I will make up my own fear

With the deepest apologies to Fiddler lyricist Sheldon Harnick.



Of course we are not speaking of a TV series, a New Jersey Rocker, or an owner of a major league baseball franchise. That kind of leaves us with our star attraction, pictured above.

It is really so much simpler than what all of us have been working ourselves up over. “What is simpler?”, you ask? Why the appeal of Donald Trump to certain elements of the electorate.

Never mind the racist, xenophobic, and misogynistic undertones—or as some allege, overtones of Trump’s campaign for President. Never mind his long slate of accomplishments…three wives and four bankrupticies. No, what these voters are looking for is simply a boss. After all, as much as he has been criticized for actions independent of Congress (as have many of his predecessors) President Barack Obama lacks the absolute power over his realm that Trump exercises over his dominion.

But the image of Trump as a boss who gets things done seems to be very stromg with the public. The source of that image? Mostly Trunp himself, whose bluster in the campaign to date at heart consists of him telling people he will do what he says with no substance to how he hopes to accomplish this.

And, of course his legacy as host of a contrived and manipulative “reality” television series, The Apprentice, on which he was the contrivingest, manipulatingest element of all does nothing but enhance his boss image. After all, who would not want to pit several contestants against each other in rigged competitions so that, even if all performed admirably and the margin of difference between the teams was negligible, one of the team members would hear the dreaded, “You’re fired” at the end of each episode. Great televison, bad business practices.

(Full disclosure—I viewed pretty much all of the first season of The Apprentice, a few episodes of the second season, and have sporadically seen snippets of a few episodes since, especially as it morphed into The Celebrity Apprentice)

In these public endeavors Trump had no Board of Directors to contend with, let alone a recalcitrant Congress, only the sychophantic comments of long time associates/aides or adoring children.

The potential voters who have demonstrated a willingness to vote for someone perceived as a no-nonsense, accomplish at all costs boss are wallowing in self-delusion.

Deporting all illegal or undocumented immigrants is an impossible, budget busting no-go financially and as a matter of practicality in simply rounding up all the folks eligible for deportment and observing their lawfully guaranteed procedural rights, a pipe dream of the first magnitude.

And building the Mexican wall? Puh-lease!

In foreign affairs he would have the U.S. virtually bludgeon other nations to submit to our will. “ISIS, be gone!” “China, take your part of our National Debt and wipe it off your books to repay us for your financial sins against the U.S.”  And so on and so on.

Some people lie to themselves by rejoicing in Trump’s unilateral approach to politics. But upon his inauguration on January 21, at 12:01 p.m. a giant alarm clock (perhaps designed by Ahmed Mohamed?) will clang his supporters into the reality of the real political world, just as ordinary alarm clocks, on Monday morning awaken the working world from their weekend reveries.

And just as commuters find that road construction has persuaded everybody to take the usualy less-traveled shortcuts that are now clogged, so wil Trump believers find the shorcuts their idol has promised them are also clogged, but in this case due to Trump closing the main arteries that usually serve so well.

Neither Congress, the Supreme Court, nor other world leaders are “at will” employees dispatched on a whim. They will not be Apprentice applicants cowering before him, but rather strong leaders with their own power bases and paychecks not signed by The Donald. Gary Busey they ain’t.



We are rapidly, or maybe not rapidly enough, moving towards the 2016 Presidential election. The house pictured above is the residence the announced candidates aspire to inhabit. But what about their current residences? How do they compare?

We are blessed by this article which gives us pretty pictures of the house or houses owned by some of the candidates, but limited to only Trump, Bush, Clinton, and Sanders.

I have not been able to obtain photographs, but I am assured by reliable sources that the following descriptions are accurate depictions of their living spaces for some of the other candidates.

Mike Huckabee—a little warren within some evangelical church, away from the riff-raff whom he has time for only to deliver his latest irrational screed. Inside his personal area the walls are plastered with pictures of various acts of sado-masochism performed by him with waitresses from Hooters. Oh, and a portrait of Soupy Sales.

Rick Perry—His house is built to emulate the Allan B. Polunsky Unit in West Livingston, Texas which contains the state’s Death Row. Inside, Perry’s great room contains plenty of loungers with wrist, waist, and ankle straps and IV poles ready to deliver his guests’ beverage of choice.

Scott Walker—-Surprisingly he lives a very ascetic life in a bare bones home. After all, even in these times it’s difficult to fully furnish and decorate a house without objects that were union made. Obviously he has no car.

Rand PaulDesigned by renowned architect Howard Roark Paul’s home has a small but comfortable library which holds only the works of Ayn Rand…oh…and the Gideon Bible he brought home from his last national Ophthalmology Convention, aiming to use it for guidance when advising Kentucky County Clerks on their job duties.

Ben Carson—A comfortable but not ostentatious home in which his favorite room is the one where he displays mementoes of his life. Among thse are a brain preserved in formaldehyde complete with electric stimulators he can operate for old times’ sake, a sonogram of the pre-aborted fetus he later used for stem cell research, and an unused booklet of Food Stamps from his childhood.

Martin O’Malley—He lives in a house that formerly housed one of those crab shacks like you find dotting the Maryland shore. He maintains a supply of wooden mallets, a stack of old newspapers (each containing a report of one of his speeches) used to cover the wooden picnic table where his family dines, and a to-the-ceiling pile of O’Malley For President bumper stickers that no one has accessed his web site to request.

Rick Santorum—Since his unpublicized divorce and remarriage, he had to move into his new spouse’s dog house.

Chris Christie—Has houses all over the country. You can recognize them by the Dunkin Donuts logo outside.

Carly Fiorina—Her house is an nondescript suburban block and brick building, miles from public transit, part of which she leases to the local unemployment office serving laid off tech workers.

Jim Webb—A 3476 sq ft Virginia Colonial, indistinguishable from most of his neighbors save for the electric message sign in front displaying a continuous loop reading “I AM NOT THE JIM WEBB WHO WROTE THAT ATROCIOUS SONG MACARTHUR PARK. There is currently a class action by his neighbors pending in which they seek damages for the ear worm they cannot get rid of.

Jeff Boss, Harry Braun, Lawrence Lessig, Robby Wells and Willie Nelson (not the singer) , a bunch of unknowns seeking the Democratic nomination, who reside jointly in a suite at the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, West Virginia.

Bobby Jindal–He used to live in a home resembling the Taj Mahal, but Trump evicted him for nonpayment of rent after he gambled all his money away in the building’s casino.

Ted Cruz—Rumored to reside just outside Winnipeg.

Marco Rubio—Lives very modestly in the rear of a Cuban sandwich shop in Miami’s Little Havana.

John Kasich—Currently living in the Ohio Governor’s mansion in Columbus, but preparing to move to a mountainside cabin on Denali. when his term expires.

Lindsey Graham—Once his objective of attacking Iran to end its nuclear program is acheived, he is going to retire from the Senate, and move into the penthouse condo he has already purchased overlooking the grandest boulevard in downtown Tehran.

Considering our options, would it be possible to change the locks at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. before January, 20, 2017?


UPDATE. The original version mis-stated Martin O’Malley’s first name as Michael. The text now reads as corrected.




A few days ago Republican Presidential candidate Jeb Bush gave an interview in which he stated, among other things, that Americans need to work harder and longer.

Those are not his precise words nor are those words standing alone.

Here is the exact quote:

My aspiration for the country and I believe we can achieve it, is 4 percent growth as far as the eye can see. Which means we have to be a lot more productive, workforce participation has to rise from its all-time modern lows. It means that people need to work longer hours” and, through their productivity, gain more income for their families. That’s the only way we’re going to get out of this rut that we’re in.

And since that statement drew a firestorm from the left, Bush clarified his remarks

If we’re going to grow the economy, people need to stop being part-time workers, they need to be having access to greater opportunities to work.

Either way Bush ignores the realities of the American work force and adopts the typical CEO approach to workers that is more at the heart of our economic troubles than any of the nonsense he spouts.

I will address him directly.

Well, Jeb, let me admit you into the world of reality. I know it’s scary but you’re a big boy, you should be able to handle it.

You see, Jeb, truth be told, Americans work harder at their jobs, and are far more productive, than probably any other collection of workers across the industrialized, corporatized world. And yet…and yet…the corporations that employ them do not already reward them for this productivity. Oh, a company will benefit from this productivity, turning out more widgets at a lower cost sold for a higher price generating record profits for the company, but guess where that profit goes almost exclusively.

I’ll give you a moment to ponder.

OK, time’s up. here’s the answer. Jeb, I’m sure you know many corporate heads and higher ups, have hob nobbed with them or consorted with them in your various jobs—those same jobs which have made you personally a very rich man by the way—no need to worry about your family’s health, or the costs of dealing with that at least—and which have provided you an enormous, steady, not paid by the hour income.

That profit, Jeb, goes almost exclusively to the people who are already rich and who did not have to work an hourly job to achieve those riches. How is that so? Well it is so because those rich people have the money to influence lawmakers to allow them to become even richer. The system, as well you should know, seeing as how your dear brother George was such an advocate of its very processes, keeps seeking to put more money into your pockets through a web of lax or no regulation, perpetual begging for lower taxes, maintaining the ability to earn huge sums that, if taxed at all, are taxed below the rate typically paid by one of these hourly workers you implore to work longer and harder, and…to top it all off…actively seeking to deny the financial rewards that should inure to the people who have produced those riches for you.

Work longer hours? Work full time instead of part time? Tell that to Walmart and its ilk that deliberately keep many employees below the level of full time so they do not have to pay benefits. Or pay overtime when their job responsibilities might occasionally stretch their hours beyond forty per week, all in service to the employer.

Or how about this, Jeb? Working full time…a forty hour week…at $10 per hour, which is a higher pay rate than the majority of them earn…still leaves them below the poverty line, severely so if they have children which the majority do.

Add to that the wage theft committed by corporations, again like Walmart…though it is not alone…who sneakily find ways to not even pay their employers for the time they have worked. Multiple successful class action lawsuits to recover these stolen wages do not lie, Jeb.

I’m breaking up with you, Jeb, not that we ever went steady in the first place. But, unlike in real life romances where the person declaring the split says, ” it’s not you, it’s me”, speaking definitively on behalf of all American workers acting as one, in this case Jeb, it is not me, it is YOU.



With apologies to Alfred Lord Tennyson…though admittedly not vey sincere apologies.

Half a mile Half a mile
Half a mile onward
All in the Valley of Iowa
Rode the six Hundred
“Forward the candidates
Charge for the votes”
Into the valley of Iowa
Rode the six hundred

“Forward the candidates”
Was man or woman dismayed?
Not though the candidate knew
They all had blundered
Theirs not to reason why
Climate change to deny
Theirs but to lie and lie
Into the Valley of Iowa
Rode the six hundred.

Reporters to right of them
Reporters to left of them
Reporters in front of them
Volleyed and thundered
Stormed at with “why the hell
Can’t you treat the poor well
Condemning them to death
While you are rich as hell?”
Rode the six hundred.

Flashed all their white teeth bare
“Repeal Obamacare”
Claiming the world ain’t fair
All the world wondered
Why are you blowing smoke
Your platform is a joke
Doctor and Mogul
Sold us a pig in a poke
All rotted and rendered
Then they rode back but not
Not the six hundred

Now reporters to right of them
Polls to left of them
Voters in front of them
Volleyed and thundered
Stormed at with “what the hell!
We’re glad your egos fell”
Your ideas we quell
That came through the Valley of Iowa
Tell you go to hell
All that was left of them
Left of six hundred

When can their nionsense fade
O’ the wild charges they made
All the world wondered
Condemn the charge they made
Condemn this odd brigade
Ignoble six hundred.



The announced and potential candidates for the Republican nomination for the 2016 Presidential election, as well as many of the more run of the mill pols like Louie Giohmert, have been characterized in the media as a clown car, careening down America’s highways, out of control.

I have bought into that metaphor though lately, due to sheer numbers, I have suggested that perhaps instead of a car, the GOP may need to utilize a C-130 Globemaster plane to carry its heavy heavy multitudinous load.

But other comparisons may be just as apt…if not apter…or at least as comical.

For instance, Superman had his mirror image opposite, Bizarro, described as

Since his hilarious debut in the 1950s, Bizarro has been a character of equal parts humor and confusion. The imperfect duplicate of Superman, the chalk faced hero lives on the cube-shaped world of Bizarro where everything is the opposite of life on Earth. Beauty is hated, ugliness is revered, and it is a crime to make anything perfect.

Simply change a few names here and you could be depicting any of a number of the GOP horde (or Hoard, depending on your desired connotation)

But as many of their public stances and utterances can only be portrayed in a kind way as “looney”, (instead of batshit crazy which is more precisely the case) invoking the Warner Brothers classic cartoon collection of personalities, Looney Tunes and deriving a Bizarro equivalent is today’s task.

A few examples.

Foghorn Leghorn‘s pomposity is readily apparent in such as Ted Cruz, always loud, and always right…except for when he is wrong which is……….ALWAYS. And ironically or not, Foghorn himself was the cartoon twin of a fictional Senator Claghorn from the Fred Allen radio show.

Foghorn is often accompanied by the young Chicken Hawk who admires his would be mentor. And we know that GOP leaders are surrounded by all manner of chicken hawks, eh?

Yosemite Sam is a blustery, rootin tootin gun toting egomaniac, ready to fire without provocation, a la Rick Perry.

The Tasmanian Devil is a whirling twirling blast of energy whose spoutings are complete gibberish. Mike Huckabee, Come On Down!

Wile E Coyote. He’s forever scheming to destroy Roadrunner but often finds the destruction turns selfward. This quote from Dean Wormer could very well be appied to Wile. “Put Neidermeyer on it. He’s a sneaky little shit just like you.” Rand Paul to a T.

Sylvester J. Pussycat is forever seeking to oppress those, such as Tweety Bird who are smaller and weaker than himself. Power hungry to a fault and willing to deprive a little old lady of one of her most prized worldly posssessions…who could possibly fil this role out of those eligible? Trick question. Why all of them of course.

Yet the cartoon characters many of us grew up with and stll admire and smile fondly at any recollection of them, within their Republican personnae, are anything but cute and amusing. Bizarro Looney Tunes to be sure.

And don’t forget, seemingly monopolistic The Acme Company represents the Koch brothers.

So while the tedious electoral road ahead to November of 2016 promises no Merrie Melodies, most Americans with the IQ of a sentient being and a modicum of common sense will be anxious to get to the finale of the cartoon and hear those glorious words




I just had a thought. At least it’s not as dangerous as most of my impulses.

While reading an article about Bill Clinton’s possible role in Hillary’s campaign, and having seen a headline where former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stated that we need to get rid of the Clinton—Bush mindset, I was inspired. (Also expired and perspired but that’s for later)

Let us have a Clinton vs Bush contest in 2016, but Bill against Dubya, not Hillary against Jeb.

There’s no Constitutional problem with a third term for either because, as the Teabaggers have been telling us for several years, the Constitution has been taken away, just like school prayer, everybody’s guns, and their freedom to worship  the two or three time divorced Conservative heroes of their choice.

You ask, “how is this a good idea?” And I pretend I am on a Sunday morning network political talk show and reply, “How is it not?”

Don’t ask again, I’m moving on with my own talking points. (I am a HUGE fan of Meet The Press)

How in the world could one not appreciate another Presidential campaign involving these men, but for the first time, facing off directly.

The contrasts are clear. It would be as if Sandy Koufax were to come out of retirement to pitch to a similarly unretired Willie Mays. Their records are clear, if not written in stone…or, as in the case of Koufax and Mays…written in

One easy comparison would be to say one sucked and the other one was sucked. But that would be crude and lowdown and I refuse to go there.

Another easy comparison is that one finally brought the federal budget back into balance with a surplus four years running as he left office while the other immediately brought yearly deficits back to life.

One used his powers as Commander-in Chief (CINC) to deploy troops with a loss of approximately one hundred as a result. The other used his powers as Commander-in-Chief to deploy troops who suffered deadly losses of over 6000.

One saw the creation of nearly 23 million private sector jobs during his tenure and the other saw the creation of fewer than 2 million private sector jobs during his.

But I’m taking myself far too seriously here. What I am really concerned about is entertainment value.

Just imagine the delight the media will take in bloviating about draft dodging vs AWOL, about “not inhaling” vs drunken, cocaine fueled escapades.

Post-Presidency fund raising from foreign despots vs Post-Presidency crappy artwork.

Avoiding your Vice-President because you never got along anyhow vs avoiding  your Vice-President because you refuse to hang out with known criminals.

But there is one main reason Bill, rather than Hillary Clinton should run. We probably will not hear the word Benghazi more than 6453 times in attack ads if Bill runs while the number would be infinite if Hillary did.

On the Bush side running George instead of brother Jeb means the deepest desires of their mother, Barbara,  to not have another Bush in the Oval Office will be satisfied.

And I kind of like the old gal.



The past few years a number of media pundits have come to refer to members of The Republican Party, especially those seemingly with Presidential aspirations, collectively as a clown car. Mostly because so many of them make clownish statements or have clownish rhetoric that is very difficult to take seriously.

As of now the list of possible candidates has grown to the extent that not even a clown car could hold them all. Thus, I have come to rename that as the Clown C-17 Globemaster III, itself with barely the capacity to transport them all to the inevitable debates.

Last weekend in Des Moines, Iowa Congressman Steve King hosted the Iowa Freedom Summit which some pundits consider to be a precursor to the race for the Republican nomination for President for 2016.

As such the nationally known Republicans who attended and took advantage of an opportunity to speak to what they see as important issues for our nation gave us this roster.

  • Chris Christie——-The New Jersey Governor was late due to traffic jams on bridges as he wended his way Westward, WHOA!
  • Scott Walker——–The Wisconsin Governor likewise met delays, in this case due to his own intransigence. It seems not only were the employees of the airline he flew unionized, but they also earn more than the minimum wage. He refused to board until the flight attendants promised not to perform “Look For The Union Label”  as part of their pre-flight routine.
  • Carly Fiorina——-The former CEO of Hewlett-Packard is perhaps best known for her forced ouster from that post, at least partly due to the somewhat contentious merger of H-P and Compaq (one of which computers is processing this for your viewing pleasure). Her political experience consists of working for the campaign of John McCain in 2008, receiving the endorsement of Sarah Palin, during her primary run for the GOP nomination for Senator in California in 2010, and her subsequent election loss to Barbara Boxer by ten percentage points. If, by some chance she could get elected as President, expect her to emulate her idol end endorser and resign in 2018.
  • Mike Huckabee——The former Governor of Arkansas resigned from FOX (hey, if the White House won’t put news with their name, neither will I) to test the Presidential waters. He made headlines by calling Eastern/New York women “trashy” due to their constant cursing, among other faults. Were he to become the candidate and have to face a national audience of women, in light of his positions on many women’s issues, the resultant cursing from every corner of America will be deafening.
  • Rick Perry———-The former Governor of Texas is a repeat visitor to this lineup but essentially doomed his own campaign in 2012 when during one debate he forgot one-third of his platform for reorganizing the federal government. But were he to be elected, Perry may not be happy in office as he would have very few opportunities to sign death warrants for convicted felons.
  • Ted Cruz-———–The current Senator from Texas, as wild and crazy as he can be at times, may be the sanest member of his family if you look at him alongside his father. If elected one would fervently pray that the trickle down theory will not suddenly manifest itself by his father’s ravings trickling down to him.
  • Rick Santorum—–The former Senator from Pennsylvania might better represent his true self if he would don either the starched prim garb of a Puritan or the formal religious regalia of Torquemada with the appropriate tonsured head.
  • Ben Carson——-The renowned retired neurosurgeon to date has exhibited an extraordinary lack of understanding of Americans and what the country needs as well as characterizing what he finds wrong with our nation (and in some cases he has a point) as the most extreme and pointless and offensive analogies possible. Perhaps his own brain has suffered some damage in which case I would offer this admonition, “Physician, heal thyself.”
  • Donald Trump—–The renowned mogul…just ask him…( and is he a mogul as businessman or a mogul as in a series of bumps on a skiing trail, which merely delays a downhill trip?) keeps threatening to toss his wig in the ring. TV comedians are breathless with anticipation with the wealth of material his candidacy would provide.
  • Mitt Romney——The former (take your pick——money grubbing venture capitalist; job destroyer; promoter of a socialist health insurance plan; chauffeur of rooftop dog carriers on family cars) did not appear in Des Moines and has since announced that, coincidentally, he has realized that the percentage of Americans he excoriates equals the percentage of votes he received in 2012 and will not be running.
  • Jeb Bush——–The former Florida governor was another no-show, biding his time to announce until he has a firm rationale in place to uphold the Bush family legacy to justify an invasion of Iraq.
  • Sarah Palin—–The indescribable (at least in a blog intended for family reading) Palin did speak…sort of. One would assume she now knows how misplaced it was for her to mock President Obama’s use of a teleprompter. That assumption is almost itself certainly misplaced.

As this circus moves from town to town I just hope the Koch brothers can afford the jet fuel expended.




Yes, I am running for President in 2016. There is no one better prepared than I. As demonstrated in this space for the past four years I am knowledgeable about everything. Furthermore I not only have the knowledge concerning all the important issues, I also have the solutions for them.

Bah on Hillary and Elizabeth and Joe.

Bah on Ted and Rand and Michele and Rick and Jeb.

A pox on all their houses.

My obvious wisdom is flavored with wit, amalgamated with compassion, annealed with life experience, and fortified through enduring the slings and arrows of outrageous comments by trolls.

Yet, my chief qualification is unarguable. My name is neither Clinton nor Bush.

Whatever proficiencies are possessed by potential candidates of those names they are tempered by the realization that we have already lived through regimes commanded by relatives of blood or marriage and we need to avoid the possibility of being forced to relive those years.

Now admittedly there are some negatives that my opponents and political enemies (including Fox News by default) will undoubtedly emphasize.

Dinesh D’Souza accused Barack Obama of being an”anti-colonialist”. I wear that label proudly. I share that view with men such as Jefferson, Franklin, Monroe, Adams, and some dude named Washington (no, not the character from Welcome Back Kotter). Sadly none of these men are willing to assist me in defending that view. Dammit, they all died on me!

I do have something in common with conservatives that should garner some support from the right. I very much believe in self-sufficiency and prefer the government have little or no role in people’s economic lives. So all those welfare queens can pretty much count on no longer feeding at the public trough. Take that Exxon and hedge fund managers and Halliburton and Israeli Military Industries, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

I must be careful. Laying out too much of my precise plan of action too far ahead of time can be deleterious to one’s campaign. Suffice it to say every proposal I will put on the table will help bring the federal budget into balance, make the world safe for democracy, enable all Americans to live the dream, and eliminate nasty corns, calluses, bunions, and sore feet. (Uh, sorry, that last part comes from an old commercial.)

To avoid controversy the only percentages I cite will relate to MLB won-loss records.

Since I will defend Social Security with my dying breath I will eschew the Presidential pay of $400,000 a year and live off my benefits. I have no wife or minor children whom I can dispatch around the world at taxpayer expense. I don’t golf. I’ll end the silly practice of bringing championship sports teams to the White House. The members of the college teams could better spend their time in class. The members of the professional teams are paid more than the President. Why the hell should I have them as guests? They should be hosting at THEIR mansions.

In the meantime I better get cracking on organizing my campaign.

Any volunteers?