TO TELL THE TRUTH

Yes, friends we have a brand new episode of the classic television game show warmly recalled by millions of Americans. Through the magic of the internet the original permanent host (Mike Wallace hosted the pilot episode) and panelists will be present replicating their hosting and paneling from yore.

And now, announcer Johnny Olson, please do your thing.

Johnny Olson: Live, from New York City, the show in which three people, only one of whom is not lying, seek to fool our panel and win prizes on To Tell The Truth! (applause)

Introducing our panel for tonight. Comedy star of TV and future husband of Suzanne Pleshette—Tom Poston!  (Applause)

Next is the wonderfully talented but homely looking Peggy Cass!  (Aplause)

Now we have the sophisticated and witty and barely memorable Orson Bean!  (Applause)

Finally, but certainly not least, the always over-glamorously dressed, just returned from taking out the garbage, Kitty Carlisle!  (Applause)

And now I present our host, much less impressive live than as the radio voice of Superman, a person who knows how to beat much more than his clock, BUD COLLYER!!  (Sustained applause)

Bud Collyer: Thank you ladies and gentlemen in our audience and all our viewers at home. We are pleased you welcome us into your living rooms every week.

Now let us bring on our first contestants

Contestant #1: My name is Willard Mitt Romney

Contestant#2: My name is Willard Mitt Romney

Contestant #3: My name is Willard Mitt Romney

Bud Collyer: I now read this signed and sworn affidavit. ( I love double redundancies)

“My name is Willard Mitt Romney, better known as Mitt, and sometimes as Mittens and The Mittster. I am currently a candidate for President of The United States. I served one term as Governor of Massachusetts. Prior to that I took a fake leave from my company to manage the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, achieving great success largely due to the influx of federal money.

But my future status was not predictable. I was born into the family of the head of only the fourth largest American automobile manufacturer so I did not have the advantages of those damned Ford kids. While in college during the Vietnam war I recognized my duty and resolved to fulfill it. Therefore I enlisted as a Mormon missionary and spent two years in France which used to control Vietnam. I felt I was doing my part to get French people to swear off wine and forego recolonization in Southeast Asia.

After college I earned dual degrees from Harvard in business and law, but upon my graduation I could only secure work as a rapacious businessman, not as a Wall Street shyster lawyer. I went on to found my own investment firm with absolutely no help from absolutely nobody and that is how America was built no matter how much Barack Obama’s notes helped me in  Torts class.

I fully intend, if elected, to restore America to the full glory and dominance that in my fantasies I imagine it has lost.

(Signed): Willard Mitt Romney.

(The contestants proceed to their seats)

Collyer: Let us begin our questioning with Peggy Cass

Cass No 1, Could you please tell us your favorite pet?

No 1 A dancing horse

Cass Same question No. 2

No. 2 A dog strapped to the roof of my car

Cass And No. 3?

No. 3 The 47%

Cass No. 2 what is your plan to improve the economy?

No. 2 Cut taxes on the job creators

Cass No. 3?

No. 3 End all federal regulations

Cass No. 1, same question

No. 1 Build a giant Etch-A-Sketch factory in the Cayman Islands

Collyer Miss Cass, your time is up. let us go to Orson Bean.

Bean No. 3, how would you end the war in Afghanistan?

No. 3 I would try to follow the timetable set by President Obama, unless I don’t.

Bean What would you do, No. 2?

No. 2 I would keep our troops there to defeat the Taliban or until hell freezes over, whichever occurs first.

Bean And no. 1?

No. 1 I believe we need to return at least 20,000 combat troops to Iraq immediately, more if the Iraqis don’t like it.

Collyer Now to the lovely Miss Carlisle who looks like she just returned from a Romney fundraiser in Boca Raton.

Carlisle No. 2, am I going to lose my deduction for my wardrobe if you are elected and reform the tax code?

No.2 We nust reform our tax code without concern for only the rich, but I know a damned good accountant who can associate your wardrobe with job creation. See me after the show for his name.

Carlisle No. 1, most of my jewelry is carbon based. Will I face a penalty for owning and displaying it?

No.1 Though your diamonds are bright and reflect the sun well, global warming is a myth and diamond mining provides jobs for thousands in Africa, many of whom earn upwards of $2-3 a day. We cannot destroy those jobs which eventually help support hundreds of diamond merchants in New York City.

Collyer Sorry Miss Carlisle your time is gone and we move to Tom Poston.

Poston I’m just kind of a common guy myself, often playing one, and I was a man on the street on Steve Allen’s show. Do you see yourself as a common man, a man on the street? No. 3?

No. 3 Are you fucking kidding me?

Poston No. 2?

No. 2 Are you fucking kidding me?

Poston No. 1?

No. 1 Are you fucking kidding me?

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Collyer Question time has expired so now, panelists, it is your duty to vote as to whether you believe contestant no.1, contestant no. 2 or contestant no. 3 is telling the truth and is the real Willard Mitt Romney. Remember under our new rules you  must present a valid photo ID in order to vote. Otherwise your vote will be considered to be provisional and may be completely rejected.

Ok, Tom Poston you go first.

Poston I really like dancing horses myself but No. 2 answered my common man question with more of a snarl, so I vote for No.2.

Collyer Thank you and Peggy Cass, how do you vote?

Cass I’m not sure that No. 1 wasn’t confused about the Afghanistan question. On the other hand we need to keep them Iraqis in line, so I vote for No. 1

Collyer I thank you and let’s move to Orson Bean, who I am sure will give a sophisticated and witty reason for his vote.

Bean Wouldn’t vote for the lot of ’em. I abstain

Collyer Thanks but no thanks. Finally Miss Kitty Carlisle. By the way Kitty you look many years older than your photo ID and it was dated just last year.

Carlisle Fuck you, Bud. I thought No. 1 was the most consistent in his inconsistency and he therefore gets my vote.

Collyer Back at ya, you Park Avenue Slut. Ok the votes are in, will the real Willard Mitt Romney Please Stand Up?

(audience tittering, each contestant feigns movement then, in a first for the program, ALL THREE STAND)

(The audience is heard in a collective gasp, the panelists begin fighting each other and the wigs of both Orson Bean and Kitty Carlisle get pulled off. Suddenly the screen goes blank, replaced by a test pattern.)

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