REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE

Due to weather conditions the original schedule for the Republican National Convention has been revised and I have just received the complete update. As a service to my readers I will gladly share it with you. I have not only the schedule itself, but have learned what will happen within that schedule.

Monday-Noon 

Convention called to order by an animatronic Ronald Reagan.

Monday-12:15 p.m.

Time out called for rain delay as Hurricane Isaac disrupts the proceedings. Groundskeeping crew covers the playing area with tarp but neglects the bullpen mounds.

Monday- 1 p.m.

Delegates privately reconvene either at the 2001 Odyssey strip club featuring Sarah Palin impersonators or the Honey Pot male strip club with Paul Ryan impersonators.

Monday-7 p.m.

As a protest against the safety net, delegates swarm the only large supermarket in the poorest part of Tampa and strip its shelves bare of liquor and cigarettes, thus depriving food stamp recipients.

Tuesday-Noon

Convention reconvenes with Roll Call

Tuesday-1 p.m.

Ted Nugent performs the National Anthem. Immediately afterward, when fireworks often are set off, Nugent pulls out AK-47 instead and begins firing randomly with a 100 bullet clip, killing three and injuring nineteen.

Tuesday-1.17 p.m.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre takes the podium and declares that Nugent’s shooting spree was an Obama administration conspiracy designed to garner support for stricter gun controls.

Tuesday-3:10 p.m.

Introductory speech by a Republican Congressman denounces Democrats, liberals and some homeless guy he met outside the Honey Pot for advocating for too much government interference in people’s lives and destroying the Constitution.

Tuesday-4:55 p.m.

Chairman of GOP Platform Committee announces the following planks are included:

  1. All female voters must undergo a transvaginal sonogram.
  2. All males must annually certify they have never had a sexual tryst with a truck driver in the restroom of an Interstate Rest Area.
  3. An endorsement of the secret surveillance provisions of the Patriot Act.
  4. A declaration that the First Amendment protection for freedom of religion was obviously not meant to apply to Muslims, atheists, or Druids.

Tuesday-7:36 p.m.

Featured speaker Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky begins by announcing that he still does not believe in the public accommodations requirements of the 1965 Civil Rights Act and, since he is temporarily in charge of the building, he asks all African-American delegates to leave. She exits as requested.

Tuesday-9:14 p.m.

Rep. Michelle Bachmann commandeers the podium microphone and hurls accusations that 275 cigar makers in neighboring Ybor City have ties to Communist Cuba.

Tuesday-9:14:31 p.m.

Convention adjourns for the day.

Wednesday-Noon

Convention reconvenes with roll call that is shortened due to missing delegates shot by Ted Nugent on Tuesday.

Wednesday-12:38 p.m.

National Anthem performed by Sarah Palin impersonator stripper from 2001 Odyssey since Rage Against The Machine, originally scheduled to sing it, fails to appear. She ends with a flourish as former candidate and Ob-Gyn Doctor Ron Paul demonstrates how a transvaginal sonogram is performed and declares the dancer eligible to vote in November.

Wednesday-5:32 p.m.

As the delegates return from dinner (early bird specials gave 50% off) an elaborate tribute to Ronald Reagan, the patron saint of the party, commences.

Wednesday-5:52 p.m.

Twenty minutes into the Reagan tribute it crashes to a halt when the factually correct documentary makes the delegates realize that by party standards today, Reagan was a liberal Democrat. In the next half hour a parade of speakers take turns denouncing Reagan as just another Hollywood Commie…and probably Jewish to boot.

Wednesday-9:15 p.m.

The Tampa Bay Times Forum, is filled with anticipation as N.J. Gov. Chris Christie is due to deliver the key note address in fifteen minutes.

Wednesday-9:27 p.m.

An announcement is made that Gov. Christie was injured while warming up in the bullpen that was not covered by a tarp during Monday’s rain delay. Former MLB pitcher Roger Clemens, recently acquited of perjury, thus giving all GOPers hope that their lies will not come back to haunt them, will be Christie’s replacement. This is the first relief appearance of Clemens’ career.

Thursday-Noon

Convention begins its final day with roll call.

Thursday-3:17 p.m.

National Anthem performed by Hank Williams, Jr. finally begins. It was delayed because Williams believed he was doing the song for NFL Monday Night Football. A limo was sent to the Honey Pot to retrieve him. He acts confused when he is introduced to the real Paul Ryan.

Thursday-4:30 p.m.

The formal nomination process is opened and Romney and Ryan are officially selected as the Republican candidates for President and Vice President.

Thursday-8:50 p.m.

Ryan delivers his acceptance speech, a large part of which is devoted to how gullible his party members are to believe he is fiscally responsible even though none of the budgets he has proposed or introduced even begin to end deficits until at least 2040. The delegates respond with gales of laughter since they realize their electoral base ignores nuance such as this.

Thursday-10:15 p.m.

Mitt Romney, Republican nominee for President, 2012, delivers his acceptance speech. The 27 minute planned length allows ample time to attack President Obama on the Stimulus, health care reform, Medicare, taxation, and job growth, the hallmark issues of the campaign. The speech is shortened, however, to 42 seconds as a little known law is invoked mandating such speeches contain verifiable facts. All Romney can do is identify himself and introduce his family.

Thursday-10:29 p.m.

The convention adjourns.

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