A REAL BAIN IN THE ASS

The debates on the meaning of Mitt Romney’s tenure at Bain Capital have been heating up.

Questions have arisen as to when that tenure officially ended. Romney claims it was February of 1999 when he took over leadership of Salt Lake City’s Olympics efforts.

On the other hand, documents have surfaced that list the Mittster as managing partner of Bain long after that date. Since these documents are filings with the SEC, there could be legal consequences if they are false.

Obama’s ads have attacked Bain…and thus Romney…as a prime mover in sending American jobs overseas.

Romney claims that if Bain investments did that at all, it was after he left. But one deal with a Chinese company was completed most definitely before he left and that company had as one its aims to provide outsourcing for American firms.

Romeny asserts that his experience with Bain and his business background signify he is better equipped to create more jobs, the need for which is not in dispute by anyone.

Obama’s ads and talking points cite the companies Bain took control of under Romney that went bankrupt/disposed of significant numbers of employees.

Romney again states most of those bankruptcies occurred after he left Bain but, on the other hand, his leadership led to job growth in the firms Bain invested in.

Just as The Boston Globe is taking credit for digging up the SEC documents placing Romney at Bain’s helm after he asserts he had no further connection, I have discovered proof that Bain has a record of job creation far surpassing what Romney himself brags about. Why he’s failed to cite these examples himself is beyond me.

Now as I list these successes you will note that some appear to have occurred before Romney was even born. But if his defense to the Globe’s story is that he “retired retroactively” then the same rationale can be applied so that he can be deemed to have “led retroactively” in getting Bain into these investments that yielded profits and created jobs.

Hereafter is a list of the companies in which investments were made, the employment that ensued, and the profit derived therefrom.

Tower of Babel Partners, Ltd.

Investment was made sometime after the Flood and sometime before Curt Flood. The intent was to build a new city with a stunning feature of a high tower. The people of the earth were joyous in co-operating with each other and acting as a single entity.

Bain acquired an equity stake and proceeded to sell off portions of the project, mostly as home sites for the erection of McMansions. This so pissed off God that, while the people had all spoken one language, he now caused them to speak many tongues. Unable to understand each other the entire enterprise was soon liquidated. However thousands of jobs as translators came out of this. Many of those people’s descendents now work at the United Nations. Total profit was in excess of 350,000 shekels.

Nile Erections (a sole proprietership)

In retrospect this brought nothing but scorn upon Bain. It was  a total pyramid scheme.

When one of the Egyptian Pharaohs (as opposed to Sam The Sham and The Pharoahs) was preparing to build his tomb in anticipation of his eventual demise, he would seek financing from Bain. The equity firm eagerly provided it. As it took enormous amounts of manpower to build these magnificent edifices, one would think that employment levels jumped and the unemployment rate dropped precipitously. Alas the truth is that slaves never lack for employment.

Profits were pretty much limited to back stage passes to a Bangles concert and an autographed first edition of Death On The Nile.

中國的長城,INC。

The business conducted here epitomizes two aspects of enterprise that frequently draw criticism. One is the government turning its responsibilities for infrastructure over to private companies. The other is any entity, private or public, outsourcing its jobs to another country.

Here the Qin Dynasty entered into a joint venture with Bain to finance and construct a wall along its border beginning sometime around the second century B.C. This project ending up being so successful that many have called the resultant edifice “great”.

But this was the initial instance of jobs outsourced to China. Bain encouraged this, telling its partner that labor would be much more available at lower costs in China than if pre-Americans were to be engaged.

Regardless, thousands upon thousands of people obtained work on this project. Not only that it lasted for hundreds of years. Despite the initial outsourcing many American jobs have also been created in nearly any town of size in this country. Both take out and delivery are usually available to boot!

It’s rather difficult to assess the profits generated. Chinese currency often consisted of high-grade (gold) and low-grade (copper) specie. When the Han Dynasty came to power it made a hybrid called the “wuzhu”. Unfortunately that did not last. So now you know what “out the wazoo!” means.

Bain’s long range negotiating skills did produce an eternal dividend of complete free uniforms for American Olympians.

Hessian Invaders, LLC.

I guess I can understand why this investment has been kept quiet by Romney. After all, the British hired the mercenary Hessians to do battle against our own Minutemen.

Here the employment benefits were mixed. Though about 30,000 Hessians served during the Revolution, most of their pay went to the prince of the German state they represented, an original 1 % er. In fact the soldiers themselves, having landed on Staten island and moving to Long Island, may well have also been the first militants to Occupy Wall Street.

As is typical of cynical businesses today, here Bain played against its own interest by backing the British, but was poised to take advantage if the colonials were successful. A win-win situation.

Again Bain’s monetary profit was minimal but its newly established First Amendment Rights as a human being meant far more to it long term than did a few American greenbacks or English pounds in the eighteenth century.

This story should be picked up by all the major media on Monday morning. Questions to Romney and his advisors are sure to follow, mostly inquiring why these investments by Bain have been kept under wraps. If he is wise, Romney will take full credit for these accomplishments. They will go a long way to convincing the American electorate that when Americans need jobs, he knows where to send them.

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