AMERICA—THE REVOLUTION—THE DREAM

I have no regular sleep schedule and often drift off with the TV on, waking sporadically,  sometimes from a dream just ended that is related to the program on the tube.

Last night/this morning was no different. The euphoria of Tuesday’s exciting Pirates walk off win was momentarily revived as I viewed portions of the replay. But that completed I channel-checked to see if something of interest was on beyond Nopolea with Cheryl Tiegs or Free Money from the guy who’s claimed government censorship of him is so bad yet he appears on  three cable channels simultaneously.

AHA! The Revolution. Undoubtedly an EP version of videos of some of Prince’s greatest hits with his backup band. On the History Channel? Oh, it’s about the American Revolution? I LOVE history. Gotta see if I can learn anything new or maybe just be reminded of some of the quirks along the way.

The first scene I saw, having missed the opening, was John Adams donning stockings prior to traveling to the First Continental Congress. Not an auspicious beginning. Inevitably full consciousness departed though occasionally I was revived and marvelled at the exquisite color camerawork of eighteenth century videographers.

When I did fully awaken I had images embedded on my optic nerves and sound bites as ear worms engulfing my cochlea.

Near as I can figure this is how the U.S. of A. became a nation.

In the 1760’s the British Government had passed the Stamp Act and the Peter Townshend Acts. The first was an individual mandate to purchase stamps, including both the Elvis Presley and Judy Garland commemoratives, whether one was into rock ‘n roll or gay or not. The second required that when neighbors got together for some folk music they had to smash their instruments when finished.

Neither was popular with the Colonials, students at Robert Morris College in Pittsburgh. So they did a road trip to Boston (Pittsburgh not having a harbor) to protest.

Initially they just demonstrated alongside a British ship laden with Snapple. They had tea bags hanging from their hats. They carried signs reading such as

We know what the original intent of the Founding Fathers will be.

Down with Snapple—Up with Coke Zero

One, carried by a Wampanoag read:

We want our country back!

And there was the loner sporting one reading:

Crispus Attucks is a slave.

A mob of them then boarded the ship with the intent to open all the Snapple cans and pour them out, but no one had thought to bring a church key. So they tossed the cans overboard and threw in some lemons after them.

Soon Facebook postings were replete with anti-British messages and claims that King George III was born in Germany (paid for by some casino mogul.) Soon enough “Shares” were clicked on for the plea to meet in Philadelphia (55 to be exact) that those folks endeavored to travel there.

They came from all 13 colonies with the Limousine Liberals from the Northeast arriving in their fancy carriages and their uniformed footmen. Meanwhile, those true patriots from the South rode in on their home-built horses showing their real entrepreneurial spirit. (Leaving Philly they then went to New York where they sold these horses for millions in a narrow street at the tip of Manhattan.) 

Discussion was heated as to how to deal with the British. Eventually they voted to file suit against the odious acts of Parliament/Funkadelic. They thought they would win until the very last minute when Lord Justice John Roberts ruled against them.

Before they had a chance to reconvene fighting broke out in Massachusetts. Paul Revere was chosen to ride to warn British troops that our Minutemen were well-armed but they refused to listen, confronted the citizen-soldiers and were mowed down in Concord, New Hampshire by a fusillade of lead emanating form AK-47’s and Tech 9’s repurchased from Mexican drug cartels.

Soon the Second Continental Congress was in session with Delegate Rick Perry demanding secession from the United States. Reminded that there was no “United States” as yet and Texas wasn’t even a colony Perry left in a huff and expressed his anger by cleaning out Texas’s Death Row.

The remaining conventioneers wanted to move the proceedings to Las Vegas but neither that city nor the GSA had yet been created.

Several proposals were made to draft a document letting the King know how they felt. The one drawn up by liberals Marx and Engels was rejected by a hearty voice vote and it was years before their Communist Manifesto saw print.

At last agreement was reached as the brilliance of young, red-headed, Tabloids heartthrob Tom Jefferson manifested in  his masterpiece that, with a few amendments, was  adopted as the Declaration of Independence. Those Amendments included:

All gun sales final. Exchanges only—No refunds

Our future Constitution would protect freedom of religion, except for Muslims and other riffraff.

Pursue happiness all you want but forget about pursuing health care.

Slaves, this all means nothing for you.

Once the final language was in place the delegates voted unanimously to accept it and each signed, knowing that the British might declare them to be traitors and that the Bank of England may seek foreclosure on their properties, the mansions of the limousine liberals and the dirt shacks occupied by the Southerners proudly constructed spoonful by spoonful in again a true entrepreneurial spirit. And their slaves did a mighty fine job.

Re-reading this I realize I might need to sleep more soundly with the TV off. But I can’t wait to follow up to tell you how the war was won after the French surrendered to the British and we dropped an atomic bomb on Liverpool, only to witness some strange mutated insects emerge in the 1960’s.

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Comments

  • little_minx  On July 5, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    Reg will be jealous of your artistry, UMOC! Nearly sprayed tea out my nose onto the keyboard.

    • umoc193  On July 6, 2012 at 5:41 AM

      The whole thing appeared in my mind during the in and out of sleep phases I have. I woke fully just in time for the start of the Pirates game and wrote this while watching.

      Thanks for the compliment, glad you enjoyed it.

      I may not be blogging much the next two weeks. My annual reunion is the 21st and I have final preparations for it. I’m sure I’ll get something posted but probably not many entries.

  • little_minx  On July 6, 2012 at 9:26 AM

    Gee, I hope the weather moderates in time for your reunion. Today is forecast to set a record for the date in Pittsburgh (Morgantown, too?), which is dangerous for folks like us, even without the health threats of humidity and air-pollution thrown in. Keep cool, UMOC!

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