For all the writing I do I believe I am fairly accomplished in proper usage of language. In live conversation I will stoop to using very informal slang as well as idioms and one hell of a lot of %$#$^&^%$#$% profanity.On the other hand listening to how some people talk drives me up the wall.

I live alone yet I will carry on a conversation with the characters traipsing across my 32″ HD flat screen.

I find it truly awesome that they are so impressed with what they are observing that they declare it to be “awesome”. For example, a couple on House Hunters searching for their dream home can walk into an edifice and immediately be connected with its awesomeness.

‘Oh. Honey, look at that cathedral ceiling.”

“Yes, it is awesome.”

Then they go out on the deck and witness the Rocky Mountains in the distance.

“Awesome.” That is even more extraordinary since the house they are touring is in Gainesville, Florida.

Into the kitchen they go, note the tile backsplash and then their eyes are drawn to an electrical outlet.

“Look! It’s three-prong!” “Awesome!”

Double sinks and vanity in the bathroom? “Awesome!”

Huge walk in closet? “AWESOME!”

Downstairs to the finished basement and mouse droppings near the furnace? “Awesome”

Of course all these things are awesome because they are SO unique. Yes, the only house ever with mouse droppings near the furnace.

Crown moldings in the dining room? “Very unique.” Well it’s unique only if you ignore the other 17,985,453 American homes with crown molding in the dining room.

But the couple is now back out on the deck checking the size of their yard and the proximity of neighbors, none of whom are closer than twenty yards. “Why you can literally shake the hand of the guy next door if you’re both on your own deck!” Ah…only if one of you is named Reed Richards.

While they’re outside it begins to pour and they dash back inside. “Wow! It’s literally raining cats and dogs!” Well bowsie wowsie to that.

It’s not just folks looking for a new abode who render these words meaningless. How about the fella, an expert on male-female relations, who claims the prehistoric caveman “literally wrote the book on getting a woman’s attention.” No, he didn’t, unless he carved out his cave paintings and took them down to his nearest Kinko’s to be collated and stapled.

Naturally if the caveman could do that it would be awesome.

The imprecise use of these terms drives me crazy. (Though the old cliche is that it takes only a putt, not a drive.)

Here I am watching what passes for ‘educational” TV these days where I can learn fascinating tidbits of history or become astute at what tips to follow when buying real estate, and the highly educated couple on a house hunt exits the home they just viewed. They are then seen in close-up, and the husband says, “our real-a-tor gave Mary and I a tour of this beautiful home. It was more unique than the other houses we saw and is literally a stone’s throw from work in the next town which is twelve miles away. And  the hardware on the kitchen drawers was awesome.”

By this time I’ve almost completed my Archie Bunker hanging routine that he went through when Edith was telling one of her prolonged, pointless stories. Most of my hair is pulled out and my neighbors are alerting the manager’s office that I’ve devolved into a 100 decibel profane-laced rant.

Demands keep coming for immigrants to learn English. Maybe they already know it and we simply can’t recognize it because of the imbecilic way we natives speak it.

Hearing these assaults on the human ear day after day after day  has caused me to literally lose my marbles. I’ll check the back of the closet for them later. Hopefully the eight  all black ones and the fourteen all orange ones will still be there. They are literally and awesomely unique.

Have an awesome literal day.

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