The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution are popularly known as the Bill Of Rights. They make clear there are limitations on our government in very important ways that protect our natural rights and some rights derived from history such as delineated in the Magna Carta.

The language in each appears to be plain enough but further investigation by myself reveals there are several heretofore undiscovered subsections that aptly apply to our current politics.

I will highlight these for you as practiced or understood by some of the folks who want to or have been governing us.

Here are the Top Ten (No, not another Letterman list).

Amendment 1 –

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

(A) No establishment of religion applies only to Muslims, Buddhists, some Jews, or other religions deemed unworthy of protection by the most vocal Christians.

(B) Freedom of speech, assembly and the right to petition shall be practiced only by those who have jobs and are clean shaven and clad in the latest fashions including tin foil hats with tea bags hanging from them.

Amendment 2 – Right to Bear Arms.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

(A) Those gun nuts not in a militia who want to freely buy, sell, trade, and distribute firearms capable of destroying all of the British redcoats with one banana clip should please use some self-restraint. Please? Pretty Please?

Amendment 3 – Quartering of Soldiers.

No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment 4 – Search and Seizure.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

(A) But if we deem you guilty of either selling drugs or being a terrorist or, if we just don’t like your looks or ethnicity, we’ll do whatever we damn well please.

Amendment 5 – Trial and Punishment, Compensation for taking

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.

(A) Secretly repealed 9/12/2001, though we were already seizing assets of alleged drug runners, without proof, prior to that date. Ha ha ha.

Amendment 6 – Right to Speedy Trial, Confrontation of Witnesses.

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defence.

(A) Applies only to speeding tickets and certain littering offenses. If we think you even know how to spell Al Qaeda or have ever talked to a Muslim, you’re shit out of luck.


Amendment 7 – Trial by Jury in Civil Cases.

In Suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

(A) Unless you’re represented by a “Trial Lawyer”, those dirty bastards. All cases have to be presented on The People’s Court or before Judge Judy.

Amendment 8 – Cruel and Unusual Punishment.

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

(A) This applies only if you are a multinational corporation providing major campaign financing. After all, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. Real live human beings who have pissed off the government need to watch their asses for drone attacks. KABOOM!

Amendment 9 – Construction of Constitution.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

(A) However we can disparage rights of people we don’t believe are “like us”. “WE” are old white men. 

Amendment 10 – Powers of the States and People.

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

(A) The states are free to interpret this any damn way they wish even if doing so violates the equal protection clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.

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