WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WOULD SAY TODAY

I have noticed over the past couple of years an increasing number of voices on the right complaining that the actions of the federal government are outside the powers of the Constitution, Their argument is reduced to this. “That’s not what the Founding Fathers said”.
 
You know, those dumb bastards of the late eighteenth century never foresaw airplanes or railroads and highways linking commerce between states and from coast-to-coast and pretty much rendering obsolete the agrarian economy that existed in 1776.
 
So our modern day interpreters would have us do away with over two hundred years of history to return to those glorious days of yesteryear—you know—the ones with slavery and subjugation of women and Congressmen traveling for a month by buggy on rutted roads to reach the Capital to enact legislation. (Actually, the latter might not be such a bad idea to return to!)
 
As an alternative I imagined what the words of those founders would be today given events and conditions quite different from their times. So I have taken exact quotes from those men who wrote and/or signed the documents this great country was founded upon and presented my modern version.
 
All quotes are from Brainy Quote.com.
 
 
Commerce with all nations, alliance with none, should be our motto.
Thomas Jefferson
 
War with all nations, alliance with dictators who do our bidding, but only as long as they do our bidding,  should be our motto.
 
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Benjamin Franklin
 
A penny saved is a penny we can spend on next year’s earmarks.
 
Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.
George Washington
 
Associate with and appeal to men of narrow-mindedness if you esteem your ability to get votes: for it is better to be alone atop the polls than out of office.
 
Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society.
John Adams
 
Abuse of words is the best way to get media attention and distort the record and positions of your opponent.
 
Among the natural rights of the colonists are these: First a right to life, secondly to liberty, and thirdly to property; together with the right to defend them in the best manner they can.
Samuel Adams
 
Among the natural rights of the citizens are these: First a right to life, secondly to liberty, and thirdly to property; unless we declare you a terrorist or a drug lord and then you have no rights at all.
 
A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people.
James Madison
 
An ill-instructed people courtesy of FoxNews alone can be permanently a people who will listen to any bullshit the right puts out.
 
I think the first duty of society is justice.
Alexander Hamilton
 
I think the first duty of society is to enable the rich to get richer.
 
He that rebels against reason is a real rebel, but he that in defence of reason rebels against tyranny has a better title to Defender of the Faith, than George the Third.
Thomas Paine
 
He that rebels against reason is a Birther, a Truther, or a skeptic on global warming.
 
The liberties of a people never were, nor ever will be, secure, when the transactions of their rulers may be concealed from them.
Patrick Henry
 
Wikileaks is evil.
 
If the people should elect, they will never fail to prefer some man of distinguished character, or services; some man, if he might so speak of continental reputation.
Gouverneur Morris
 
If the people should elect, we’ll give them nothing but clowns to choose from for the Republican nomination.
 
The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and to influence their actions.
John Hancock
 
The greatest ability in business is to make huge profits while employing as few people at the lowest pay possible.
 
Liberty without virtue would be no blessing to us.
Benjamin Rush
 
Liberty without virtue is my blessing. I’d like you to meet my wife, Callista.
 
All civil rights and the right to hold office were to be extended to persons of any Christian denomination.
Roger Sherman
 
All civil rights and the right to hold office were to be extended to persons of any Christian denomination, but the hell with you Muslims.
 
Experience demands that man is the only animal which devours his own kind, for I can apply no milder term to the general prey of the rich on the poor.
Thomas Jefferson
 
Did you know those dirty poor bastards get food stamps and free cell phones?
 
He who knows nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehoods and errors.
Thomas Jefferson
 
He who knows nothing is more likely to be a Republican voter who ignores scientific proof of the truth.
 
I abhor war and view it as the greatest scourge of mankind.
Thomas Jefferson
 
Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran.
 
 
 
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