IOWA HAS SPOKEN——-IOWA MUMBLES

The results are in from the Iowa caucuses for the Republican clowns…er candidates…running for their party’s Presidential nomination. The conclusion is they are inconclusive.

Mitt Romney won the good folks’ hearts by the astounding total of eight…that’s right, eight (8) …votes over his chief rival Newt Gingrich. What? You mean it was Rick Santorum who finished second? And Newt came in fourth?

My goodness! You could have knocked me with a shovel over. (A nod to my high school yearbooks’s use of faux Amish dialect as a theme one year).

Rick Santorum, whose appeal lies mainly with those worried homosexual men will be wooing their dogs (http://www.rawstory.com/rawreplay/2011/09/santorum-i-stand-by-my-man-on-dog-comment/) or, god forbid, shopping for condoms for that Saturday night date, experienced a surge in Iowa from his prior position at the rear of the pack of the GOP contenders.

Or, to continue my usual characterization of the GOP field as a “clown car”, perhaps he has finally managed to crawl out of the trunk.

Likewise, Ron Paul drew a greater percentage of caucusers in his favor than what he has ever polled on the national front.

So here is how I capsulize the top three finishers.

Mitt Romney campaigns on the notion that he has been in the private sector, not in political office, unlike his rivals. Well, it’s not for lack of trying. It’s for lack of sufficient votes in all save one campaign he’s run to actually—you know—get elected. Unfortunately for him that is the number one pre-requisite for holding office, being elected.

Rick Santorum, whose appeal I have already described, still looks like the nerd who has crashed the cool guys’ party and remains pretty much ignored, but has suddenly donned the lampshade and drawn stoned laughter from the other party goers who, no doubt, will have no memory of the evening.

Ron Paul has sensibly adopted the idea, foreign to most of our politicians of both parties, that it is unwise to have American government involved in foreign lands. His downfall will be that he decries the involvement of American government in America. Why would we elect a President who only wants to turn out the lights in Washington, D.C. and go home to Texas? Come on, Ron, earn your damned $400,000 a year!

The Also Rans

Newt Gingrich apparently has already peaked. He most certainly has piqued the scorn of any serious voter who has peeked at the campaign so far. Yet, the narrow results in Iowa suggest a serious strategic error on his part. He should have brought all his wives and probable illicit lovers with him to the Hawkeye State.  Those hundreds of votes would have provided a huge boost. I mean, what better evidence of his passion for serving his country could he have exhibited?

Michelle Bachmann announced the suspension of her campaign today. Too bad. Now her wild statements deviating from the truth will not attract the attention necessary for Politifact to rule on them. In that forum she’s a winner, having posted more “Pants on Fire” rulings than any other candidate. Metaphorically speaking, if she had emerged from the cornfield in Field Of Dreams and asked “Is this heaven?”, Ray Kinsella’s response would not have been, “No, it’s Iowa” as it was to Shoeless Joe. Instead it would have been “No, it’s your hell.”

Rick Perry was asked at a press conference before the caucuses to name all six candidates. He counted off on his fingers, “Romney, uh Gingrich, Bachmann, uh Santorum?, Huntsman, and ….wait a minute, I know…hold on…

Rick, the Iowa voters must have had the same problem.

Jon Huntsman, you left a prestigious and honorable job as Ambassador to China, which you performed well, to pursue this prize. Just like on Let’s make A Deal you chose the wrong door. Please let your daughters continue the fight. This voter is willing to be persuaded.

Just as sands through the hourglass denote the days of our lives, so do they mark some people’s end of their fifteen minutes of fame.

p.s.

By the way. Doesn’t Santorum’s surge for the caucuses sound suspiciously like some sexual activity of which he would surely disapprove?

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Comments

  • little_minx  On January 4, 2012 at 4:58 PM

    “By the way. Doesn’t Santorum’s surge for the caucuses sound suspiciously like some sexual activity of which he would surely disapprove?”

    Rick’s unofficial motto for the New Hampshire primary — “Sperm: Swim Free or Die.”

  • little_minx  On January 4, 2012 at 6:04 PM

    Several of us regular commenters at Reg Henry’s “Reg on Wry” blog compiled a list of 10 things Santorum has said or done that, if brought to the attention of out-of-state Republican voters, could turn them against his Presidential candidacy:
    http://blogs.sites.post-gazette.com/index.php/opinion/reg-on-wry/31990-being-right-is-such-a-burden

    1. Denouncing John Kennedy’s famous 1960 speech to the Greater Houston Ministerial Association promising not to let his own religion interfere with being President of all Americans.

    2. Attacking Congressional incumbent Doug Walgren for his family living in the DC area, rather than keeping them back in the Pittsburgh area. Once Rick defeated Walgren and took office, he bought a large house and moved his own family to NoVa.

    3. Claiming his huge family’s principal residence was a two-bedroom house (when in fact they resided primarily the aforementioned large home in NoVa), in order to get the Penn Hills taxpayers to cover the expense of cyber-schooling his brood.

    4. Opposing the Supreme Court’s Griswold v. Connecticut decision, which overturned making the selling contraceptives illegal.

    5. Opposing same-sex marriage, including his ludicrous man-on-dog argument.

    6. Proposing a $250K cap on non-economic damages awarded by juries in medical malpractice cases (“pain and suffering”), while he and his wife sought $500K in non-economic damages when they sued her Virginia chiropractor, when her actual medical costs were only $18.8K? A judge cut Mrs. Santorum’s $350K0 award by half, to $175K. Santorum calls its a “private family matter.”

    7. Condoning Mrs. Santorum’s 1996 second-trimester abortion, apparently to save her life, even though Rick has called second-trimester pregnancy terminations “partial birth” abortions and judged claims of protecting the mother’s life “phony.”

    8. Accepting campaign donations from AccuWeather executives, then introducing a bill forbidding the National Weather Service from providing weather information to the general public and allowing it only to be disseminated by commercial forecasters like AccuWeather. (Also falsely claimed that the NWS didn’t forecast Hurricane Katrina correctly.)

    9. Undermining the FDA’s regulation of tobacco after his PAC received donations from tobacco lobbyists.

    10. Arranging a special mortgage from the Philadelphia Trust Company (officials of which contributed to his PAC), despite not meeting the bank’s criteria for financial asset holdings.

    Bonus: Supports “Intelligent Design” advocates (just Creationists in fancy dress).

    Can anyone contribute more examples of Santorum’s hypocrisy and deceitfulness, please?

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