OUR NEXT PRESIDENT

In the Reg On Wry blog in the Post Gazette one regular contributing reader who goes by RFSIII suggested that a claymation blend of Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and Mitt Romney might make an attractive Presidential candidate, since all the folks currently running for the GOP nomination have major flaws to go along with any special talents or enticing political positions they have.

I thought about that for awhile.

Ron Paul is a libertarian who is against our current wars and military engagements, for legalizing marijuana, and desirous of abolishing major parts of the federal government and abolishing Social Security and Medicare.

Newt Gingrich has some cogent ideas on major issues, but has proven himself untrustworthy for some indiscretions in Congress and his three marriages. He seems to have a habit of having the next wife lined up before properly disposing of the preceding one. Rolling in dough from consulting and speaking fees, he and wife 3 still managed to run up a tab of half a million at Tiffany’s.

Mitt Romney presents himself as an accomplished businessman and jobs creator, yet during his extended period running  Bain Capital, he was known for buying companies, stripping them of assets sometimes almost into bankruptcy, laying off employees whose jobs were not outsourced overseas, and personally profiting from all aspects of these dealings.

As Governor of Massachusetts he instituted a health care plan for the uninsured which was partial inspiration for Obama’s plan and in all major regards is identical to it, yet he denies the similarities along with other political positions he once claimed to hold.

He is, though, a very handsome man who happens to be a Mormon, which once permitted men to have multiple wives, but I emphasize there is no evidence that Romney in any way would advocate that practice.

Combining the three could yield an election victory in 2012. As President here’s what a partial day in the life of the composite might look like.

6:30 a.m.  Wake up in bed with all three wives

6:40 a.m.  Smoke first joint of the day

7:00 a.m.  Shave, admire handsome face in mirror, shower, admire handsome face in mirror, brush teeth while admiring handsome face in mirror.

7:20 a.m.  Return to bedroom where wife 1 has suit laid out

7:38 a.m.  Finish tying necktie while admiring handsome face in mirror

7:30 a.m.  Downstairs to breakfast prepared by wife 2

7:45 a.m.  Home office to complete hostile takeover of manufacturer, lay off 2750 employees after outsourcing labor agreement reached, sell off now nearly bankrupt manufacturer for huge profit, do online banking deposit of $4 million personal profits from transaction and $3.25 million in consulting fees

7:46 a.m.  Smoke second joint of day

8:00 a.m.  Get in passenger side of Hummer driven by wife 3

8:30 a.m.  Stuck in midtown Manhattan traffic, spots beautiful woman in next car, divorces wife 3, marries new wife and has her continue drive, wife 3 left alongside medical waste dumpster

8:45 a.m.  Stops at Tiffany’s to open new account in wife 4’s name

9:00 a.m.  Exits Hummer to join anti-war protesters demanding U.S. leave France, invaded because they have too many varieties of cheese, but hate Velveeta, smokes third joint of day with fellow demonstrators

9;15 a.m.  Boards Acela to D.C., relaxes in first class with daily papers, uses Droid to buy, destroy, and sell off another manufacturer with loss of only 875 jobs this time and just $2.7 million to him, smokes celebratory joint

1:00 p.m.  Arrives D.C., taxis to White House, no Secret Service escort because entire Department of homeland Security was outsourced to Iran as deal to have them give up nukes, but no Iranians can get security clearance to join protective division

1:15 p.m.  Fixes own lunch since White House staff outsourced to Bejing but not in the mood for Chinese

1:30 p.m.  Signs executive order abolishing D.C.. It is no longer necessary as capital as all departments not outsourced have been abolished

2:00 p.m.  Acela departs for return to NYC, busies himself in first class, writes memo reminding self to ask new wife’s name, converses with businessman across the aisle, buys his company, gives him golden parachute and has him kicked off train somewhere outside Philly

2:30 p.m.  Uses restroom and admires handsome face in mirror for half hour

3:00 p.m.  Uses Droid to call private health insurer for new coverage since he abolished Medicare in which he was enrolled and he no longer lives in Massachusetts

3:05 p.m.  Told he has preexisting condition making him ineligible for private plan

3:06 p.m.  Buys private insurer, fires all officials, issues policy to self for life at zero premium, quadruples premiums on all other enrollees, outsorces agent division to Guatemala, sells remnants of company to UPMC-Highmark conglomerate to complete their monopoly on all private health care plans, which requires all patients to use walk-in clinic in Blawknox for all care

3:07 p.m.  Smokes celebratory joint and takes short nap

4:00 p.m.  Awakens from nap and checks NYSE closing numbers, disappointed he only made $6 million in capital gains today, but pleased that with no capital gains tax and the government paying him for his profits he should be due another $1.2 million by next day

4:05 p.m.  To cheer self up for partial disappointment he goes to restroom and admires handsome face in mirror until train enters Penn Station

4:45 p.m.  Exits station where wife 4 (what was her name again) picks him up in Hummer and drives to Wall Street

5:00 p.m.  Observes OWS in day 2436 of protests. Demonstrators are peaceful, at least partly owing to their emaciation from not eating for two weeks and being unable to stand, but when one raises sign calling for jail for bankers, orders police present to use flamethrowers to thin out the crowd

5:15 p.m.  Arrives Tiffany’s, instead of using line of credit buys whole company on the spot, fires all employees on the spot, hires some possible illegal immigrants nearby to load all merchandise in car as wedding gift for wife 5, having divorced wife 4 when she couldn’t make up mind which ring she preferred

5:30 p.m.  On way out of Manhattan joins anti-war march protesting American invasion of Belgium, their government having secretly plotted to corner the market on waffles

5:45 p.m.  Begins journey home with wife 5 finding it difficult to maneuver Hummer past all the homeless in their tent cities

5:46 p.m.  Smokes joint to relieve end of day stress, reflects on accomplishments and promises self to buy and sell more companies tomorrow, perhaps setting a personal record, admires handsome face in car’s vanity mirror and decides life is good

6:07 p.m.  Incensed at wife 5 for driving too slow, she explains she has potentially fatal hangnail, he divorces her on spot, outsources wife job to New Zealand woman on corner where he kicked wife 5 out of car, she forgets to drive on right side of road, has head on collision with semi, and he is mortally injured, as the life oozes from his body he damned himself for ever letting anyone steer him even just a bit to the left.

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