NEW NCAA CONFERENCES SET

There’s been news on the sports pages recently that Texas A&M  is considering leaving the Big 12 Conference. Their preference is to join the SEC, which most pundits call the best college football conference. Non-pundits refer to it as the best conference that can buy Cam Newton’s father. Somehow the SEC poohbahs don’t share that preference. After all, the farmers and mechanics of A&M don’t blend well with the cocktail shakers of the likes of Georgia and Florida of the SEC.

Nebraska is moving to The Big Ten, which has had eleven members for twenty years. The Big 12 itself has only ten members. TCU, in Fort Worth, Texas, is coming to the Big East. Fort Worth is in the eastern half of Texas but still west of the Mississippi.

Utah and Colorado have now joined the Pac 10. It was a natural fit. Both offer stunning views of the Pacific Ocean from their campuses. Fortunately the math whizzes at Stanford were able to determine, after removing their shoes and socks, that the conference should now be the Pac 12.

The ACC is beginning to show buyer’s remorse over raiding the Big East several years ago for Boston College, Virginia Tech and The University of Miami. The latter for years had been known as “The U” especially to its many…ahem…alumni in the NFL. Now that “U” stands for “unlawful” and “Unlikely to go to another bowl game (without buying tickets) until the Social Security Trust Fund is depleted” (Projection—2035)

The Mid-American Conference has its members scattered throughout the mid-west mostly in Ohio, Michigan and Philadelphia. Philadelphia!!!! For some reason a school in the City of Brotherly Booing of Santa Claus clashes with schools producing such apple-cheeked, innocent small town boys like Ben Rothliesberger, James Harrison and Jack Lambert… Oh… Never mind.

Conference USA has its members scattered across several states befitting its name, but UTEP, in El Paso, Texas, barely qualifies as being in the USA.

If Texas A&M leaves the Big 12, er 11, er 10? there is now some talk the conference would pursue Pitt as a replacement. Makes perfect sense to me. Pitt has so much in common with those cowboy schools. The sound of the spurs on the sidewalks in the Oakland section of Pittsburgh is simply deafening when school is in session.

Obviously these conference connections are illogical and counter-productive. Conferences are built on the notion of commonality, that their members co-exist as replicas of each other. My proposed realignment will achieve these goals. Further, non-conference games will be blockbusters due to the made-for-television disparities. Sort of like Jersey Shore meets GE College Bowl.

Here are the new conference lineups.

THE IQ 8

  • Duke
  • Vanderbilt
  • Rice
  • Harvard
  • Yale
  • Army
  • BYU
  • Chatham                                                         

Duke and Vandy perennially bring up the rear in the ACC and SEC respectively, but graduate their players. Harvard and Yale haven’t been thought of as big time in football since the Roaring 20’s. Non-conference games with the likes of Alabama and Oklahoma will mean their players will have the snot kicked out of them before they wreak their revenge by trading derivatives and subprime mortgages and destroying the nation’s economy.

Army cannot even beat Air Force and Navy, except in the Pentagon budget wars where they continually push programs that duplicate those of the other services. Academically they are superior save for when they—you know—are fighting actual wars.

Chatham’s undergraduate school is women only. But they are tough, learning to defend themselves from unwanted frat boy forays from neighboring Pitt. (Carnegie Mellon male students are not much of a problem. They have robots to do their bidding) Of course they would not be subject to the enticements of Nevin Shapiro with hookers and trips to nudie bars.

No matter what you believe about female football players’ capabilities, Chatham will have an edge against BYU each year. After al, physical contact with women is against the Honor Code of the Mormon institution.

The Self-important One

  • Notre Dame

Need more be said?

The On Probation ?

The question mark is for two reasons. One, the number is flexible depending on the whims of the NCAA. Two, most of the players involved can’t count anyways.

This conference has two divisions.

The SEC Division

  • All schools remaining after Vanderbilt leaves 

The SEC Wannabe Division

  • USC
  • Ohio State
  • Southern Methodist  (Honorary lifetime member) 

The MLB Eight

  • Johns Hopkins
  • Pitt
  • Cincinnati
  • Houston
  • UCLA
  • University of Washington
  • University of Chicago
  • University of Missouri-Kansas City 

All of these schools are located in cities with major league baseball teams that may as well be playing football this year. They certainly kick the ball enough.

The Google Earth 8

  • Idaho
  • Montana
  • New Mexico State
  • Penn State
  • WVU
  • Texas Tech
  • South Dakota State
  • Temple

These schools are situated far from civilization where they don’t even register on Google’s locator service.

The Integrity Zero

No members yet, it is open to any university that can demonstrate its athletic programs are operated as an adjunct to its overall academic mission; its alumni willingly donate funds regardless of won-lost records; its  diverse student body, athletes included, work diligently towards graduation; its coaches are paid on a scale commensurate with the school’s academic professionals; and its fans do not curse, boo, or throw whiskey bottles, full or empty, at opposing players, coaches and fans.

The first conference game is tentatively scheduled for September 31, 2084, come rain or come shine.

All realignment subject to final approval of the National Football League. This is, after all, their minor league development system.

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