ARE YOU SAFER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

There have been a number of occurrences since the year 2011 began that have come after we have been warned of dire consequences if no change was forthcoming. If not assauging fears we already had, crises have been declared to exist or that they will result from some perceived affront to our nation or our own sensitivities.

But now that these approaching crises have not come to pass, or the reasons for our previous fears have been removed, how much safer are we, in fact or in our perceptions? What scale or comparatives should we use?

Well, there’s that TV show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? On it contestants are given questions from school subjects on levels from first through fifth grades. If they answer all questions correctly, then they can “brag” they’re smarter than a fifth grader. I haven’t seen that many episodes, but so far every contestant has been sent packing after being forced to admit, “I am NOT smarter than a fifth grader”

In my adaptation of this program for my evil purposes I offer the following scale of scarydom to grade schoolers from the most irrational childish fears of the youngest to the more realistic yet still immature fears of the oldest and adding one more advanced grade to the menu.

First grade: Can be scared shitless by almost anything except worms and frogs and eating pizza that fell face down on the floor.

Second grade: Can be scared shitless by the occasional  monster under the bed and having to face her parents with a bad report card.

Third grade: Can be scared shitless by finding out Santa isn’t real and believing that will result in no Christmas presents.

Fourth grade: Can be scared shitless by the one hundred-forty pound middle schooler on the same school bus who keeps giving him wedgies and by his mother questioning why he keeps soiling his underpants.

Fifth grade girl: Can be scared shitless worrying about the bumps appearing on her chest.

Fifth grade boy: Can be scared shitless worrying about the bumps appearing on the fifth grade girl’s chest and the lump appearing in his own pants.

Twelfth grade: Can be scared shitless by nothing. These kids think they’re fucking invulnerable! If they have fear at all it’s something we all should be afraid of.

Now I’ll rate these fears based on how realistic they were according to this scale. The more genuine they were, the higher the grade.

The rapper Common’s visit to the White House ——-First grade

The individual mandate of the affordable Care Act——-Second grade

Osama Bin laden———Twelfth grade

A Mike Huckabee run for President——Fourth grade

A government shutdown due to budget disputes—Third grade

Brett Favre making another return to the NFL—-Twelfth grade

Rashard Mendenhall’s post OBL death Tweet—–First grade

Lindsey Lohan’s legal troubles—-Fourth grade (Our long national nightmare is over)

The identity of People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive”——HUH?

A Michelle Bachmann presidential candidacy——-Graduate school level……Be afwaid, be vewy afwaid!

A Fred Karger presidential candidacy—–No, YOU Google him!

The NFL passing up $9 billion by not playing a 2011 season——Second grade

Two and a Half Men not being able to replace Charlie Sheen.—–Third grade

Banning the singing of Bohemian Rhapsody at a high school graduation in Wasilla, Alaska because Freddie Mercury was gay——First grade       Hmmmm, where was that again?

The Rapture scheduled for May 21, 2011——-Fifth grade     (Will go way higher if May 22 does not arrive Sunday morning)

A Donald Trump Presidential campaign——-Waaaaaaaay past twelfth grade with a bachelor’s degree, an MBA, a PhD and any professional degrees possible.

Barack Obama being born in Kenya——-Not even pre-school.

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