RUNNING ON EMPTY—2012 GOP RACE—THE MOVIE

One difficulty with our Presidential election campaigns is that they are played out through sound bites and choppy appearances on TV’s small screen, either on the talking heads shows or during any debates. Even with today’s 50 inch screens and high definition pictures, what should be presented as a scenic panorama still seems confined by the limitations of the medium itself.

There are many potential candidates on the Republican side, all chomping at the bit at the chance to pull off the rare defeat of the incumbent, as President Obama will almost certainly be the Democratic nominee. Meanwhile,  behind the scenes,  some big time Hollywood producers have given the green light to a star-studded motion picture that will mirror all the ups and downs certain to be encountered by these candidates as they move through the primaries to an exciting denoument at the Republican Nominating Convention in Tampa, Florida.

I have uncovered some privileged information on the casting efforts for this film. Though not all the names currently being tossed about for the nomination excite the general public, the human beings behind the names are a singular lot, deserving of representative casting.

Here is what I have learned about the cast with the name of the candidate followed by the star chosen to portray him/her and a capsule explanation of the casting choice.

TIM PAWLENTY               JASON ALEXANDER

This choice doesn’t jump right out at ya but it makes sense. After all, which balding middle-aged man is more believable in his previous role…the one who claims to be the former Governor of a possibly non-existent state, Minnesota, or the one who claims to be the head of the non-existent Van De Lay Enterprises.

SARAH PALIN              WHOOPI GOLDBERG

I know, most folks would assume Tina Fey would reprise her fine depcition of the half-governor. But to show Palin and Goldberg have much in common I can reveal this little known fact.

Palin married a man whose first name begings with “T”, Todd, and whose last name ends with “N”, PaliN. Goldberg once had an affair with a man whose first name begins with “T”, Ted, and whose last name ends with “N”, DansoN.

To boot, although born Caryn Johnson, for stage purposes Goldberg took her first name from a whoopee cushion, while Palin’s every utterance reminds one of the same.

And they are both familiar with birthing babies out of wedlock.

HERMAN CAIN             SHERMAN HEMSLEY

For all anyone knows they may actually be the same person.

MITCH DANIELS            TOMMY CHONG

What in the world do the Indiana Governor (a real state by the way, I’ve been there) and a perennial, albeit, hilarious, stoner have in common? Have you not heard about Daniels’s May 1970 bust, while a student at Princeton, for having enough marijuana in his room to fill two size 12 shoe boxes?

If that doesn’t satisfy you, how about the fact that both have suspicious heritage, having descended from much-maligned ethnic groups in some ways considered dangerous to U.S. security. Daniels is Arab and Chong Chinese.

MICHELLE BACHMANN                 ROSIE O’DONNELL

Both are known for controversial pronouncements. As Bachman will need to fend off Donald Trump, who better to portray her than someone who has already traveled that road?

DONALD TRUMP                   CARROT TOP

Another no-brainer once you really think about it. Both have oddly colored strangely styled hair and sport too much makeup. Both are known for their props. Carrot Top pulls his out onstage while Trump plasters his name on his anywhere he can.

Trump is Chairman Of The Board while Carrot Top appeared in a movie with that name. Neither has distinguished himself with his knowledge of either domestic or foreign policy.

HALEY BARBOUR                   BUDDY HACKETT

Both are ruddy faced and chunky. Barbour has occasionally adopted a position or made a statement that one might associate with a member of the Ku Klux Klan, Hackett, as a Jew, would have been a target of the Ku Klux Klan.

No matter that Hackett died and was cremated in 2003. Barbour will be a pile of ashes alongside the campaign trail soon enough himself.

MIKE HUCKABEE                    KEN OSMOND (EDDIE HASKELL)

Obsequious to a fault when trying to impress. Dangerous mischief maker when not.

MITT ROMNEY                    ROBERT REDFORD

Pretty boy trying to escape his past, Romney as moderate Governor of Massachusetts, Redford as The Sundance Kid going to Bolivia.

RUDY GIULIANI                           DUSTIN HOFFMAN

Both have been characters mechanically spewing repetitions of the same phrase over and over with no substance. Giuliani’s was “9/11, 9/11, 9/11”. Hoffman’s was as Rainman , “Judge Wapner, Judge Wapner Judge Wapner”.

NEWT GINGRICH                   GEORGE C. SCOTT

Newt is a flim flam man. Scott portrayed one in the 1967 film of that name.

RICK SANTORUM                    JAMES WOODS

Woods specializes in playing shallow but superior acting characters who can at once be smarmy, petulant and ingratiating. MY GOSH!! They were separated at birth!

THE FIELD (All other candidates)             THE MUNCHKINS

One is a group of extremely small stature with no true ideas how to make the country better. The other is a group of performers in the beloved movie, The Wizard of Oz.

Though brief, there will naturally be a few scenes involving President Barack Obama. The GOP candidates were asked for their selection of an actor to accurately depict their image of our Commander In Chief. They unanimously chose Stepin Fetchit.

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Comments

  • Deke  On May 11, 2011 at 3:17 PM

    Herman Cain, founder of God Father’s Pizza. I prefer to support the local small business owner who puts pride in their product over hype. So on occasion I will order a veggie pizza. The dough is fresh, so are the toppings. No cardboard taste here.
    Many of the mom and pop pizza shops do offer a far better product than most franchises do.
    To my right wing friend I say be careful what you vote for.

    • umoc193  On May 11, 2011 at 3:41 PM

      Cain’s a strange one. One would think someone who built a successful business from scratch would be more attuned to consumers or just the general public and have some ideas worth consideration. So far, I’ve heard nothing from him that supports that notion.

  • Deke  On May 11, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    I think he is like so many of this new GOP brand a arrogant SOB.

  • Deke  On May 11, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    Rick Santorum like to wrap himself in the robes of religion and government at the same time. He’s a deceptive little tool I would not want to take my eyes off of.

    • umoc193  On May 11, 2011 at 5:55 PM

      Did you happen to see what comes up when you Google santorum? It’s a set up and was maneuvered to show that way, but still funny as hell..

  • Deke  On May 11, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    LOL that’s even better than man on dog Santorum.

  • Deke  On May 12, 2011 at 1:24 PM

    Speaking of Rudy Giuliani, I had a idea for a toy. It was a updated jack in the box featuring a bubble head of Rudy. I ruled it out because it might scare the kids too much.

  • Deke  On May 12, 2011 at 5:22 PM

    No matter what blog I visit I can always find a article on Sarah Palin. Today she even weighed in on the WH inviting the poet Common to give a reading. Given the facts that this whole controversy was ginned up by Hannity and later Bill O’Reilly who I call O’Lielly why does the media give Palin any credence or ink.
    Ed Schultz debunked it somewhat last night. He even had a video of the NJ state police union head screaming about Common. The funny thing is if they had taken the time to fully listen to what was said they would have heard Common decrying the use of guns and violence. He mentioned a woman convicted of murdering a state trooper. This was the spark that set off the Fox News fire. What had Common to do with her outside of his poem mention her crime and her escape. Schultz said she escaped to Cuba.
    Schultz went on to cite how Bush 1 invited a rapper to the WH. Nothing was ever said about it.
    No matter what President Obama does that helps this country, it’s never enough for these dry drunks on the right.

    • umoc193  On May 12, 2011 at 5:29 PM

      I think someone brought this up on Reg On Wry yesterday. Part of the objection to Common’s lyrics is their supposed violent images. But Jon Stewart last night showed a clip of Hannity’s approval, a few years ago, of his friend Ted Nugent’s even more explicit diatribe against Obama where he waved a gun around on stage and said he ought to put the barrel in Obama’s mouth and then called him a piece of shit.

    • umoc193  On May 12, 2011 at 5:34 PM

      By the way, since you seem to be following my posts closely at this time, any criticisms of either style or substance are welcome as are suggestions for improvements either in my approach or simply the style of the blog.

  • Deke  On May 12, 2011 at 5:44 PM

    UMOC I bought a domain name in the late 90’s and had a website IGOLFTO. My game was ok in the low eighties and high seventies back then. So I gave little tips to those who wanted them. I had a automated email reply program. I rented a search engine submission software to list my site on all of the major search engines. The only thing I can tell you is submit your blog to the search engines and maybe a few banner ads from time to time. Back when my site was up there were several banner ad exchanges where you could get your site advertised by placing other ad banners on your site. In short just promo it more. Its a great blog that needs people to visit and post there opinions and responses.

    • umoc193  On May 12, 2011 at 9:38 PM

      I get a fair amount of hits, presumably reading my posts, but a thread of discussion has never started. Some readers who’ve commented also know me personally so either email a comment or, since all my posts go directly to my Facebook page, comment on there. I wish I could sit back after my latest entry and watch the battle begin among readers.

      That’s whyI like Reg so much, the combination of intelligent posts with strong and considered feedback from the readers that doesn’t develop into mere vitriol.

  • Deke  On May 12, 2011 at 8:22 PM

    Sorry to give the stocking post impression. I follow you and Centenial pretty closely because you guys are about the only people who answer any of my posts. Mugsy does at times. Since I am not a regulator maybe they feel I am out of place.
    My position is I am too partisan at times to regulate anything let alone posters filled with fire. I had more that enough of regulating things in real life.

    • umoc193  On May 12, 2011 at 9:29 PM

      I don’t see you as very partisan at all. I know we’ve agreed on many things but at times have diifered. I’m almost always at odds with Mugsy and Centinel, though rarely in a snarky way.

      As to being one of the Reg-ulators, there’s no secret initiation ceremony. I only became accepted as one late last year or early this year. Keep posting thoughtful comments and you’ll feel right at home.

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