HURRY HURRY HURRY!! Get ’em while they’re hot. We’ve got male Republican Presidential candidates. We’ve got female Republican Presidential candidates.

We’ve got strong men and bearded ladies. We’ve got Two-faced men. We got ’em in all sizes and shapes and colors. There’s something for everybody. HURRY HURRY HURRY!

There is a long list of potential GOP candidates for 2012. All candidates have flaws, but some of the ones in these Republicans, if part of a screenplay, would make the Three Stooges shorts resemble Chekhov’s Three Sisters.

1. Herman Cain

Businessman and radio talk show host from Georgia.
Yeah, I have no freaking idea who he is either.

2. Buddy Roemer

Former Louisiana governor.
Don’t Louisiana governors automatically draw a
Go Directly To Jail…Do Not Pass Go….Do not
Collect $200 Card upon leaving office?

3. Fred Karger

Political consultant and gay activist from California.
Wasn’t that the name of a Dan Ackroyd character
on SNL? You know Fred Karger-Male prostitute?

4. Newt Gingrich

Former Georgia Congressman. Former persecutor
of Bill Clinton for sex outside his marriage….while
Newt was having an affair with a woman on his
staff. While he was married to his second wife who
he announced to his first wife that he was leaving
her for….while said first wife was in the hospital
being treated for cancer.

And wasn’t Newt the one who made excuses for
his adultery by claiming it was due to his “Love of

5. Haley Barbour

The man who acts like the White Citizens
Councils of Jim Crow days were the equivalent of
the Jaycees or The Welcome Wagon rather than
fronts for the Ku Klux Klan.

6. Donald Trump

The man whose ego exceeds the sum of the
egos of all the other candidates…not for 2012…
all the candidates who have ever run for office at
any level of government. He bragged in an interview
he has $600 million available to pay for his own
campaign but apparently doesn’t have $6000 cash
to join the Hair Club For Men. Considering how he
ran his casinos, his solution to deficit spending will
be to put the country into bankruptcy and fuck all

7. Mitt Romney

The Ironic One. If nominated he will be forced to
run denouncing Obamacare which essentially is the
same as the health care law he passed in Mass. And,
as a Mormon, the church notorious for multiple wives
in its early existence and in some obscure pockets
even now, Mitt has only been married once where
many of his rivals have entered matrimony more
than once. And his father ran American Motors,
Rambler, which was so innovative it went out of
business when American autos ruled!

8. Rudy Guiliani

The King of 9/11 who depicts himself as a hero for
how he handled that tragedy in NYC when all he did
was attend funerals and talk big while his admini-
stration’s failure to provide better communications
systems for his police and firemen was directly
responsible for many of their deaths. Also a three
time entry in the marriage wars, he specialized in
moving his mistress into the Mayor’s mansion
while his then wife was still living there.

9. John McCain

The former Maverick who now denies he was ever a
Maverick which is certainly news to Bret, Bart and
Beau. Plus he’s had only two wives, making him
barely a contender among the GOP elite.

10. Michelle Bachmann

Boy I really miss her with Turner Overdrive. It’s
obvious the days on the road with the drugs and
ear-splitting music destroyed her sanity. Perhaps
able to draw some sympathy votes from aging
rock and rollers.

11. Mitch Daniels

Former Governor of Indiana…..yes that is a state,
not just an imaginary place where Dave Letterman’s
fantasy mother lives. Maybe he can hit Trump up for
a membership to The Hair Club For Men.

12. Tim Pawlenty

Former Minnesota Governor who hired a veteran
producer of videos on MTV to produce campaign ads
to enhance his charisma factor. No, you’re right, it
didn’t work to get Perry Como on MTV either.

13. Mike Huckabee

He is just further proof of what I learned after
losing a large amount of weight. You also lose a
great deal of your capacity for logical and critical
thinking and results in incompetent decision making.
My experience just resulted in a woman breaking my
heart. His led him to a spot on FoxNews. He preaches
family values and appears to back that up with only
one wife. But he is from Arkansas and how many of
your cousins can you realistically expect to be a
love match anyways?

14. Sarah Palin

A refreshing change. She’s only been married once
and her daughter Bristol, baby and all, has never
walked down the aisle. (Perhaps her alter ego is
Murphy Brown?) Two problems with her as President.
One is that when she receives a twenty-one gun
salute she will probably want to participate. But,
based on her TV show, when she hunts she needs a
small army to support her. How will she be able to
cut the pentagon budget? The second is that, if
elected, her VP better be more than competent.
After all she will be resigning in 2014 so she can go
on her next book signing tour.

There you have it…what I call the Dirty Baker’s Dozen Plus One. The Party Of Lincoln Indeed. Well, hell, Lincoln was a theater goer and his selection for the night of his assassination indicates a preference for comedy. Maybe he’ll also appreciate flat out farce.

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