2010 ACCORDING TO THE UMOC

            The most definitive statement about the year 2010 that is indisputable is that it is the year after 2009 and before 2011. After that, any conclusions about what happened or even choosing the high/low lights is pretty subjective. Given that I, the UMOC, have never been reticent about offering my opinion on just about any topic, here is my interpretation of the year just past.

          Our President, with his communist/socialist agenda somehow managed to okay continued tax breaks for the rich, richer and richest. Karl Marx must be so proud… Groucho, too.

          The same president, on a Manchurian Candidate-like mission to turn the U.S. into a Muslim state, has dispatched more troops to Afghanistan in order to kill more Muslims faster. He must be working really DEEP undercover.

            Between The Real Housewives of Orange County, Atlanta, New York, and West Alexander; Snooki and her overtanned cohorts; and Sarah Palin it’s a tossup as to which shameless pandering embarrassment to true womanhood will be off the media radar by the end of 2012. The only way they will return to the public eye is by going on Celebrity Rehab, receiving sexting messages from Bret Favre or courageously killing the largest Grizzly in Alaskan historyby strangling it bare-handed (only, of course, after a volley of cannon fire from the 146 people in her accompanying hunting party.)

              Bret Favre, by the way, despite receiving no suspension from the NFL, will serve such a penalty by the dictates of his wife. As a quarterback that means he will not be able to put his hands under center in order to initiate a scoring play. If he tries he will end up on injured reserve.

              John Boehner, he of the skin tone that inspired the name of a hardwood floor cleaner, has already become known as Weeper Of The House, though he has yet to officially take his seat. If he manages to get any major part of his agenda passed it will be the citizenry seen weeping uncontrollably.

               The Pittsburgh Pirates were not only able to extend their streak of non-winning seasons to 18, but were able to make the 18th year the lowest of the lows. But the future looks bright. I believe they even drew a mention in Zagger and Evans’ In The Year 2525.

            Although we lost the comic stylings of Leslie Nielsen, there are potential replacements poised to entertain us for years to come. And we will not call either Christine O’Donnell or Sharron Angle Shirley. Come to think of it Christine may already be a show business veteran. Wasn’t the Blair Witch Project about her?

              The right wing propaganda machine….um…I’m sorry…FoxNews, was as relentless as ever. I understand the channel has even developed its own dictionary. If you look up Fair and Balanced you will discover the definition is “biased and deranged”.

              Speaking of deranged, Glenn Beck has progressed (or regressed) to the point where he makes the manic delivery of Howard Beale in Network seem to be a blandly delivered weather report by comparison.

                We have started to withdraw troops from Iraq while at the same time increasing the number deployed to that ungovernable mass of impenetrable terrain known as Afghanistan.  One immutable truth remains, far too many of our troops return home early, albeit in caskets. Oh, well, as Edwin Starr sang  “…war, friend only to the undertaker”.

            Of course until recently many members of our armed forces were forbidden to talk about their home life, their spouses or lovers or mere boyfriends or girlfriends. And if they were wounded or killed in battle some of these loved ones would not be in line to be notified by official military means, nor would they necessarily have a right to visit the wounded warrior in a hospital. Now our heretofore silent but always heroic men and women in uniform can be treated as complete humans.

           We did see the passage of a new health care law. Although many provisions are truly beneficial, those damned death panels are already active. I’m scheduled to appear before one in February. God I hope my ex-wife isn’t a member. It’s just as well, too. With all the money removed from Medicare I’d be lucky to have any medical services paid for other than a prostate exam conducted by my family phusician, Dr. Ironfist.

           It turns out that our wonderful friendly helpful banks are striving to deal with our nation’s unemployment problem and are hiring droves of our hardest workers. And these ants are known for their prodigious strength and the ability to avoid the tendency towards obesity demonstrated by their human counterparts. The disadvantage is that, while they can easily transport foreclosure documents, the effort to train them to actually read them to make sure they are in order will not bear fruit   until several thousand mutations occur. So, for the time being, PAY YOUR DAMN MORTGAGE!

           Of course those working in finance on Wall Street are also going through tough times. Many have been laid off. The brokers remaining are barely keeping their heads above water but at least they won’t have to pay a higher marginal tax rate on their year end million dollar bonuses. They should now be able to avoid the food stamp application lines at the Welfare Office.

            Our Gulf Coast was sullied in the Spring. The BP oil spill was in the news for months. Poor Tony Howard, the head of BP lost  his life due to the spill. No, he wasn’t one of the unfortunates working on the oil platform who were killed. But poor Tomy was forced to work overtime trying to solve the problem and at one point he blurted out “I want my life back!” Well, he got his wish as he was pushed out of his job. Too bad the families of the workers who perished can’t get their loved ones’ lives back.

       One of the things we learned from the BP spill was that the tentacles of Halliburton reach everywhere. I propose a minor reworking of the company name. Somehow HELL iburton seems more appropriate.

        The great golfer Tiger Woods was brought to his knees by a sex scandal. Or perhaps you could say several women brought to their knees were his partners in a sex scandal. What really amazed me about the entire tawdry episode was that apparently no professional athlete before him, or at least none of his beatific contemporaries has ever cheated on his wife. And we surely know all of the ESPN talking heads, former pro athletes or not. were also Simon Pure.  Oh shame, shame, Mr. Eldrick Woods. Maybe you are the pro athlete who should receive capital punishment rather than Tucker Carlson’s favorite punching bag, Michael Vick. All Vick did was kill dogs.

           Well that’s all the news I’m able to review from 2010. After all, I read mainstream newspapers and watch TV news and commentary. There is no doubt that if anything  else of true importance in the world happened it would have been covered 24 hours a day as were all of the above. I know the Weekly World News had their usual quota of tales of rural Alabamans being anally probed by aliens. But if you’ve read one anal probe story you’ve read them all. They are penetrating.

         Here’s hoping that next year’s news is just as fascinating. At least we’ll have the annual Duggar birth which has become a tradition as celebratory as the Fourth of July and as sentimental as the annual TV presentation of It’s A Woderful Life.

          Edward R. Murrow would be so proud.

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