Yes, I am running for President in 2016. There is no one better prepared than I. As demonstrated in this space for the past four years I am knowledgeable about everything. Furthermore I not only have the knowledge concerning all the important issues, I also have the solutions for them.
Bah on Hillary and Elizabeth and Joe.
Bah on Ted and Rand and Michele and Rick and Jeb.
A pox on all their houses.
My obvious wisdom is flavored with wit, amalgamated with compassion, annealed with life experience, and fortified through enduring the slings and arrows of outrageous comments by trolls.
Yet, my chief qualification is unarguable. My name is neither Clinton nor Bush.
Whatever proficiencies are possessed by potential candidates of those names they are tempered by the realization that we have already lived through regimes commanded by relatives of blood or marriage and we need to avoid the possibility of being forced to relive those years.
Now admittedly there are some negatives that my opponents and political enemies (including Fox News by default) will undoubtedly emphasize.
Dinesh D’Souza accused Barack Obama of being an”anti-colonialist”. I wear that label proudly. I share that view with men such as Jefferson, Franklin, Monroe, Adams, and some dude named Washington (no, not the character from Welcome Back Kotter). Sadly none of these men are willing to assist me in defending that view. Dammit, they all died on me!
I do have something in common with conservatives that should garner some support from the right. I very much believe in self-sufficiency and prefer the government have little or no role in people’s economic lives. So all those welfare queens can pretty much count on no longer feeding at the public trough. Take that Exxon and hedge fund managers and Halliburton and Israeli Military Industries, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
I must be careful. Laying out too much of my precise plan of action too far ahead of time can be deleterious to one’s campaign. Suffice it to say every proposal I will put on the table will help bring the federal budget into balance, make the world safe for democracy, enable all Americans to live the dream, and eliminate nasty corns, calluses, bunions, and sore feet. (Uh, sorry, that last part comes from an old commercial.)
To avoid controversy the only percentages I cite will relate to MLB won-loss records.
Since I will defend Social Security with my dying breath I will eschew the Presidential pay of $400,000 a year and live off my benefits. I have no wife or minor children whom I can dispatch around the world at taxpayer expense. I don’t golf. I’ll end the silly practice of bringing championship sports teams to the White House. The members of the college teams could better spend their time in class. The members of the professional teams are paid more than the President. Why the hell should I have them as guests? They should be hosting at THEIR mansions.
In the meantime I better get cracking on organizing my campaign.